Diary of me...Jeannie, Jane, Angel, Mommy...

Bad Birthday Mommy!

2011-12-22T08:59:00.000-06:00

I am SUCH a bad birthday mommy! I neglected to post about and wish my little Mouse a Happy Birthday...almost a whole month ago! Ugh! So...here goes now! (So sorry Mouse! I love you!)

On Nov. 24th, my little Mouse turned 2!!! Can you believe it?! 2!!! It's as if she has grown up over night. She went from being a little baby to this little girl who is ~~walking~~ running through our house and chattering away. Sometimes we don't know what she is saying and other times she is popping out 5-6 word sentences! She loves Elmo, her blankey, and her sister. (Even if she acts like she doesn't)

I can't believe that she has gone from this:

To this:

in two short years.

We love you so very much little Mouse and can't wait to see you grow and change.

Happy 3 Year Transplativersary!

2011-11-18T13:57:00.000-06:00

My little Monkey received her gift of life three years ago today!!!! Happy transplantiversary! I love you SO much. (So do daddy and sissy) Thank you Donor Angel for letting us have our little girl, we love you!

http://emberriley.blogspot.com/2011/11/3-years-ago.html

So many thoughts.....

2011-08-10T11:18:00.000-05:00

...so little room inside my head!

That is how I am feeling lately. I have so many things going on inside my head right now that I wish I could just hit the pause button. Most of it revolves around what I am going to do about this whole losing the band issue. A lot of the thoughts aren't even my own, they are everyone else's. It's like I have this pollution of other opinions in my head that I can't seem to shake. Not that other opinions are always a bad thing, it's just a lot right now. Some of the thoughts are about school and wondering if I am even going to make it through this crazy semester. Also wondering if I can even get a good enough grade on the test I have to take to apply for nursing school. Ugh!

First off, I still don't know what the answer is for the issue of losing my band. Admittedly, I suppose I really shouldn't since it hasn't even been a whole month since it had to come out. I just wish there was an easy answer. I wish I could reassure myself and everyone else that I've got it handled and know what I am doing. The truth is, I have no effing clue! I'm not even back to 100% yet so I suppose I shouldn't worry about it, but I am. I am gaining weight back and it's depressing. I am hearing from everywhere, including my own mom, that I don't need the band. That I can do this on my own. I can absolutely see where everyone is coming from, especially mom, given what I have been through. However, if I didn't need the band and really could do this on my own I wouldn't have gotten it in the first place. Every other tool I have ever used has failed. Or, well, I have failed at using it. This was the only tool that ever worked and worked well for me. On the other hand, no one can guarantee what happened would never happen again. I'm not sure I am ready for a more invasive procedure. I wasn't when I got my band the first time. I just don't know yet. I feel like I don't belong anywhere right now. I mean, I have had WLS, but I don't have my tool anymore, so I technically can't say I belong with the WLS group anymore. Plus, having had WLS, my outlook on certain things is different, and people still don't understand why. Especially now that I don't "have" to follow the rules. So, I really don't belong with the non WLS groups either. *sigh* I am just sad, angry, and confused about this whole mess right now.

As far as school goes, I am going to trudge through, but I am worried. I have been trying and trying to get prepared for applying for nursing school and something always comes up. I have been trying to apply now for 3.5 years and it still hasn't happened. I have to take a college mandated test and get a certain percent on the math portion in order to even be able to apply. So far, that hasn't happened. *Sigh* This semester is going to be rough as well. I am taking Anatomy & Physiology 1 & 2 at the SAME TIME! Why yes, I am crazy! Thank you for asking! I have to if I want to apply for next years nursing program. I need to re-take A&P 1 to get a better grade and I have to take A&P 2 because it has to be completed by the end of this semester. Never mind the fact that this is my THIRD TIME taking these classes. All schools have a 5 year window on their sciences! Which, imo, is ridiculous!

The one good note I do have right now is that I have started the C25K program over again and it is going well. I finished Week 2 Day 2 this morning and it was good. I think I am a little slower now than last time, but as I said above I am not completely myself either. I can't wait until I feel better and can get through the day without being so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. I am sure my Monkey and Mouse can't wait for mommy to get back to 100% either.

I lost it...

2011-07-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

So, a lot has happened since my last post! Unfortunately most of it is actually pretty bad. I did make it through week 5 of the C25K training before the bad stuff happened! Very excited about that! So, I will just kind of lay out timeline for everyone starting on July 10th. Warning, this is kind of long!

July 10 -

I woke up with a slight bit of pain in my chest when I coughed. I had this annoying dry cough for going on 3 weeks now, so I really didn't think much about it other than I would be calling my Dr again on Monday to see what else we could do. We had planned on taking the day to go looking at e-readers and taking the girls to Build-A-Bear to use their yard sale money. We went to Best Buy first and by the time we got there, my pain had gotten a little worse. It was getting a little difficult for me to walk around a lot and the girls were being little heathens so we left after about 30 minutes of looking. We then went to the mall and got the girls to Build-A-Bear. By then I was hurting more when I just tried to take a deep breath. I was concerned that I was having an issue with my band, so I called the surgeons exchange and was given no real decent info other than if it gets worse, go to the ER. Ugh! By the time we got home, the pain was unbearable and we decided to take the girls to my mom's and head up to the ER. We went to the ER at the hospital where I had my band done at just in case it was a band issue. When we got there, I was given blood work, a CT scan, and an EKG (because of the chest pains). They also had me do a Urine test, but I haven't a clue why. They NEVER came and took it to the lab. Also, for half the time I was in the ER, I didn't even have an arm band. I mean, they had no clue who I was with nothing to check it against. Anyway, the CT scan was normal so they said that they thought I had a condition called Pleurisy. They gave me a shot of pain meds and sent me home with an prescription for pain pills and told me to drink lots of fluids. O.k., great. I can do that. Well, while we were waiting at the pharmacy, I took a few drinks of Apple Juice and suddenly got a horrible pain located at the base of my sternum and it shot down to my left lower abdomen. It was horrible. I couldn't get it to stop. I was worried about a UTI and was just going to call the Dr the next day if the pain didn't go away.

07/11 - The pain didn't go away. In fact, it was worse! So bad that I couldn't move or be touched without screaming out in pain. My mom was here taking care of me and started calling all three of my Dr's. (OB - just in case it was something related, Primary care, and lap-band surgeon) ALL of them said to head back to the ER. I was terrified. It is about a 30 minute car ride and the pain pills were not helping me AT ALL! So, we get back into the car and make the long, horrible drive to the ER again! They did another CT scan, this time of my whole abdomen and chest, drew more blood, and called the Lap-Band interns (or as I call them ducklings) in to see me just in case. They, again, did no urine test. The interns decided to take fluid out of my band to see if that would help at all with my pain. It did slightly with the pain in my chest, but did nothing for the pain in my abdomen. After a long wait, the Dr came in and told me "Well, the CT scan doesn't show anything so we aren't sure what is wrong. We are going to send you home with a medication that helps with Ulcers just in case you have one. Follow up with your surgeon and primary care tomorrow." I asked point blank if the pain could be from a cyst on my left side. He told me, "Well, you have a cyst, but it's on the other side." That was fine. I have known about a cyst on the right side for awhile now, but it's never caused problems. As the Dr. kept talking he confused me by referring to a cyst on the left side too. So, I then asked, "Do I have a cyst on the left and right side?". He said yes, the one on the right was smaller than the one on the left. I was SO confused! I asked to see the CT scan report so I could give it to my OB when I saw him. When I got the CT report I was even more confused and mad. The CT report mentioned NOTHING about a cyst on the left side! So, home we went. All the while, I am in unbearable pain. I cried the entire ride home I hurt so bad.

07/12 - The huz stayed home with me. I couldn't move at all without yelling out in pain. I called ALL of my Dr's looking for appointments that day so I could get an answer for my pain. No one could see me until Wednesday. I was SO angry. I actually told my primary care's office (after I got a lecture about going to the ER I went to rather than the one they are associated with) that I felt like I was going to die before someone cared enough to figure out what was wrong with me. So, I spent another day wallowing in pain. The only saving grace I had was that the pain meds would put me to sleep even if they didn't numb the pain. I had three Dr's appointments the next day beginning with my Lap-Band surgeon. And later in the day they called to tell me that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink after midnight. And, oh by the way, no pain meds either!

07/13 - I was in so much pain, I was reduced to riding in a wheel chair to the Dr's office. I cried on the way to his office in the car, on the wheel chair ride from the car to his office, and while in his office waiting to see him. When I finally saw him, he elected to admit me into the hospital right away. He wanted to do an upper GI to see of there were any ulcers, tears, or erosion in my stomach that would be causing this. NOT what I wanted to do, but I needed answers. And, honestly, after 3 1/2 days of constant pain I was worn out and couldn't really fight anymore. So, we do the GI scope and find NO answers. I was told that the next option would be surgery to put a camera into my abdominal cavity to see what was actually going on. If the band was infected it would have to be removed. So, I go down for surgery and find out that because of the infection my blood sugar is well over 400!!!!!! So, then we start with the insulin on top of the pain meds and anti nausea meds I was taking. After surgery, I wake up to find out the band was removed and I had two drains as well as two open incisions that had to be packed every day! I was told that I had a "female infection" that also affected the band so it had to come out. I was on three IV antibiotics and two different pain meds as well as anti nausea meds.

7-13 through 7-16 - I endured 4 days of hell in the hospital. VERY not impressed with them. I had no answers and no real care at all. My mom came up on Friday and helped give me a sponge bath because no one at the hospital had offered. Thursday I was left in the bathroom for 30 minutes with no help at all and I only saw my nurse 3 times her entire shift! Any time I asked what the labs were for, I got the answer of "We just need to get some labs". Finally on Saturday I had enough and got my mom to come up to talk to the Dr's. I really felt like either I needed to be transferred to another hospital or be released! It was THAT bad. I also felt like maybe I was just too foggy from the pain meds and making a lot of it up or not remembering I did have answers. Well, it wasn't me and I didn't have answers. Mom didn't really get any either, but I was released. I think it was more because they wanted to get me out of their hair!

SO, fast forward a week and I am still feeling bad. My OB is VERY concerned about the care I received and basically offered to completely take over my case even though it really wasn't his issue. He did an exam and ultrasound and really didn't think that I had any "female infection" at all, but couldn't tell unless he saw pictures from my surgery. He was trying to get them, but the hospital wasn't playing nice with him at all. I had called several times and finally got a release from the hospital so he and I can both see my records. I just wanted answers!

Today I got a few. I saw the surgeon and he sad that he still thought it was some type of female infection that started the whole thing. He also said that it could take up to another month for me to feel completely normal again. That was not news I wanted to hear. He was very concerned about how I felt and that today is my last day of antibiotics. He told me that the cultures they took from my surgery grew gram positive virulent cocci. It is just a type of bacteria that you can get. He is confident that the antibiotics he gave me are treating it, but wants to make sure that I was on them long enough.

So, for now I still have a sharp pain in my back whenever I move the wrong way or take too deep of a breath. He said that he thought it was muscle or nerve related and it would take time to go away. I got the staples removed so I can try to lift the girls now. Not sure how that is going to go. And I am still out of breath when I do very little activity. However, I am here and progressing. It was very scary not knowing what was wrong with me. I truly thought that I might die. It was to the point where I was going to start writing letters to my girls just in case. It seems overly dramatic now, but I can tell you that nothing I have ever gone through has scared me like this. It still kind of bugs me today when I think about it. Hopefully time will help.

Guilty as charged!

2011-06-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

This post is a little late (considering the incident happened on the 17th!), but better late than never! Let me start off by saying that this journey through weight loss surgery has been rough at times. By rough, I don't mean the, this "diet" is too hard so I will cheat a day type of rough. I mean, changing your entire life, the way you think about food, and getting something literally stuck and having to puke rough.

Yes, I did say puke! Because that is what happened to me on the 17th! You are told straight up that it can and will happen. Then you go about your daily life thinking, "Not me. I'm going to be so good and follow the rules so well that I will be fine." (Insert hockey goal horn here) WRONG! Friday morning a friend had surgery and I was trying to get her prescription filled quickly so I could get it back to her. I decided to get something to eat because I was starving. Well, I wasn't paying a bit of attention and started eating like I would have before my surgery. It wasn't until about the 4th bite that I started to notice a horrific pain in my chest. Then I noticed that I could literally feel the food in my throat. It took about 5 minutes for me to get it all back up and, let me tell you, it was the most horrible experience I have EVER had. I've never had a heart attack, but that is what I equated the pain to. Needless to say, I have learned my lesson. Since then I have slowed down and really tried to watch what I eat.

As a result of that and Support group the other night, I have decided to challenge myself to keep up with the 60g of protein requirement this week. In order to do that, starting yesterday I have been taking pictures of breakfast, lunch, and dinner with the calories and protein content and posting them to facebook. It is a bit of an interactive food journal for me. Yesterday it kept me honest and I didn't try to cheat by not eating as much protein. It's kind of one of those things of "I told my friends I am having this, so I have to!". Plus, I think it is neat to show people what I am eating and how much is an actual serving for me.

Also, as of last week, I am down 22 pound! I have also finished week 3 of the Couch to 5K! excited about that! Hopefully it will stop raining today so I can start on week 4! I am thinking about registering for a 5K on August 13th, but I'm not sure yet. I was going to wait until after this week to see how it goes. If I have to repeat too many weeks, I won't be ready for it. We will see. Here are a few pics that I have posted of the food!

Turkey sausage and 2 scrambled eggs 300c/25P

Pita with turkey, roast beef, and Colby jack cheese slice, light mayo, and mustard. With ranch cucumbers. 196.2c/21.17p made it past 60g of protein for the day!!!!

Things I've noticed and other news...

2011-06-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

It has been almost 5 weeks since my surgery. Over that time, there are things that I have started to notice. Some of them bother me and some of them I am alright with. These things are:

- I have not bitten my fingernails once since my surgery date. They are actually growing!

- Some friends do not understand why I had my surgery and it appears that a few of them could care less to try to understand. Thank you to those of you who are trying to understand.

- The food police are everywhere!

- I feel better, healthier.

- I am still obsessed with stepping on the scale every day!

- My life still revolves around food, but in a much better way.

- I feel like I am actually accomplishing something with my new running/walking program.

- A lot of family and friends have told me that they notice my 20 pound weight loss (19 according to my Dr's scale. I like my scale better!) just by looking at me, but I can't see it yet.

- This process is even harder than I thought it was going to be. I mean, I knew it was going to be hard, but I think it's harder.

Now, on to other news. Monday I got my first fill in my band. By special request, I am going to explain that. It seems that I haven't been as good at that as I had thought! You see, when the band was first put in, it wasn't filled at all. If you want to know what the band looks like, go here. They do this because of the swelling that happens from the initial placement of the band around the stomach. Typically you go to the dr 4-6 weeks after your surgery for your first fill. A fill means that the dr will take a needle and stick it into the port, which is just under the skin (mine is just above my belly button), and will fill the band with a small amount of saline solution. This is what helps you to feel full quicker and for a longer period of time. Depending on the person, you can have between 4-6 fills before you are at the point that works best for you. I have also been told that a lot of people can't tell that big of a difference with their first fill. Which, so far, has been my case. We will see as I start progressing to ground beef and chicken. That is this coming week! Yay! next fill is July 25th!

Oh! I finally got my salad and it was great!!!! Yum! I also made it through week one of the C25K program! Week 2 started Monday. Let me tell you, this fat soon to be skinny girl can barely run for 90 seconds at a time! That is pitiful! But, I am pushing through it. We will see what tomorrow brings with day 2 of week 2.

Week Three and a new start

2011-06-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

So, I am three weeks (almost 4) post surgery and I feel good. I am starting to eat real food again (Fish, seafood, pitas, low carb wraps, thinly shaved lunch meat, etc..) and it is going well. I get my first fill in a few weeks and I have to tell you that I can't wait! I am excited about seeing how it changes my weight, how I feel about myself, and my ability to exercise even more. I am also a bit worried about whether it will change the things that I have already gotten to start eating again. I know that I still have a lot to work on with the chewing food up and not drinking while eating. (or for an hour after!) That, I have to say, is the hardest part. I honestly don't miss soda that much, but getting used to not drinking while eating is hard! Very hard. I catch myself reaching for my water all of the time when I am eating.

By week 6 I will get to start incorporating ground beef again. I can't tell you how happy about this I will be. I want a burger SO bad it's not even funny. There is only one thing I want more than that. A good salad! I have no idea when I can start having that. I think week 5, but I will check with the nutritionist. I know, who wants a salad over a burger?! hehe I am so weird.

I am supposed to workout for 30 minutes at least 4 times a week. I have not been able to do this previously, but I started getting into it today. My little Mouse started preschool this morning. :( *tears* She is going two days a week so I thought that this would be the perfect time to start something new. So, I started the Couch to 5K running program this morning. I made it through without stopping, but I wanted to so bad! I know that this week is only 60 seconds of running with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes, but for me, that is VERY tough! And I am very slow with the running. The C25K site calls me a penguin because of my waddle/run! hehe Though, I made it through 1.2 miles of running/walking today. I never thought that I could do that before. So, in celebration, I added two new tickers! Yay! I am down 18 pounds! SO excited. We will see what the next few weeks bring with this new exercise stuff.

Deja Vu...sort of

2011-05-25T11:47:00.000-05:00

I was going to give everyone an update on how I was doing since my surgery, but something more important has come up.

The huz's cousin, I guess she is my cousin too!, had a new little boy two nights ago. We found out that they learned last night that he has a heart defect and he was being transferred to a different hospital. I cannot tell you how much this makes my heart ache for her family. Even though we haven't actually met since they live on the other side of the US, I feel a close bond with her. When I was preggo with Monkey, she was preggo with her first little one. An adorable little Monkey of her own. She is just too cute!

I also can't even begin to explain to you how hearing this brought all of the memories from when Monkey was born flooding back. I am not sure how many people I actually told this story to, or how many remember. I remember like it was yesterday.

The day that I was supposed to be discharged, we were seen by the GI on call to discuss that there might, might be an issue with Monkey's liver. She talked with us for a little while, threw out about a dozen names of diseases that she could have, and then said words that I will never forget. She said, "I am debating on whether to keep her here rather than letting her go home so we can run more tests." I was devastated. It was like someone knocked all of the wind out of me. Shortly after the GI left, I was sitting in my bed just looking at Monkey sleep in her bassinet when my OB walked in. He asked me how I was doing and I immediately started bawling my eyes out. He was the best! He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I told him that she might not get to come home with us. He said that he knows that it would be hard, but it is what is best for her. He also said that he and his wife had to leave one of their babies at the hospital for a few days after he was born and it was hard, but it was better for him. Luckily, Monkey got to come home with us and we just brought her back for tests the following Monday. It was the best feeling in the world.

Unfortunately, Ashley and her family do not have this option. Baby boy has already been transferred to a new hospital. We are waiting to hear what they have to say. I can't imagine what she is going through and I am constantly thinking about her and her family. This is one of those situations where I am ready to jump in the car or on a plane and help out if needed. I know she has enough support, but I hope she knows I would be there in a heartbeat! Please take a few moments out of your day to say a prayer, send good thoughts, or just think of their family. I am sure they will appreciate it. I know I do and I did when we were going through everything with Monkey. I will update on myself tomorrow.

On my way

2011-05-16T12:53:00.000-05:00

Well, Wednesday May 11th was my surgery! It was nerve wracking and a little scary because well, surgery is major. Even if it is something routine, it's surgery people! I can honestly say that of all the surgeries I have had, this has been the worst actually. The day of my surgery, we got to the hospital at 12:30, got signed in, called back into the pre-op area and waited. I hate waiting. It always makes things worse. I don't think I actually got taken back into the OR until around 2ish. When I got out of the OR, I stayed in recovery for awhile. They were apparently waiting for rooms to become available. I was actually really out of it and in a lot of pain so I didn't care about a lot other than wanting to pain to go away. I got into my room around 6 or 6:30p.m. I was glad to see my husband, but was still in pain. The pain killers did a lot for the pain from the surgery, but not a lot for the gas pain in my shoulder joints. It was much worse than anything I have had in the past. I had to get heparin shots about every 12 hours. They were not fun. Especially since I got them in the arms rather than in the belly. The nurses were very nice and were great! I had to get up that night around 10p.m. and walk. Let me tell you, that hurt a lot. It was very slow going as well!

The next day I was still in and out of it thanks to the morphine! :) They told me that I had to take a swallow test before they would let me eat or drink anything. The swallow test is rather simple. You stand in front of n x-ray board and swallow a substance that lights up on the x-rays. They take a bunch of pictures to make sure that nothing has slipped or moved since the surgery. Then you have to wait to see if you passed. Luckily I did and I got to have a Popsicle (sugar free of course), SF Jello, water!, ice chips, and other things that I didn't eat actually. I had to get up and walk to floor much more. It was difficult because I was still very sore and trying to push an IV pole when you can barely hold your arms up is an experience in itself! I got to go home around 4 or 4:30 which was great! My step mother in law came up to the hospital and waited with me until they released me and then took me home. So thankful for her!

Since being home, I have been extremely sore. It seemed to be getting worse and I was a little worried Thursday night because I spiked a little bit of a temperature. It only ever got to 99.8 and I think it was because I was trying to move too much. Since then I have had a normal temp and been progressively getting around better and better. I have 5 incisions and they are all pretty sore. I have yet to wear jeans because two of the incisions are very close to my belly button and I know jeans would just hurt too much right now. So, I have been very grungy the past few days in my sweats and shirts. I went to an all day concert yesterday and walked most of the day actually. I felt MUCH better after doing that. It helped me get the soreness out of the muscles. When we got home last night I looked at myself and it really looks like someone beat me up! I have bruises everywhere. I guess it is because of the heparin shots. I tend to bruise easily, but never this easily!

I think the worst part of this whole thing has been the diet and getting used to a completely new way of thinking. I was on the clear liquid diet from Sunday to Sunday. It was SO very hard. I don't know that I could have done it for much longer. I like Jello and Popsicles and all, but not all day every day! Right now I am on the Full liquid diet. That will last a week as well. It is kind of misleading because I can have applesauce, yogurt, thin mashed potatoes and blended soups as well as all of the liquids I could have before. I really need to start working on taking smaller bites of things now and chewing well. I know that this is going to be one of my biggest struggles. One of the suggestions in the book is that you actually set a timer for two or three minutes between bites. I also need to chew my food to a toothpaste consistency before I swallow it. That way it won't get stuck and I will have less of a chance of having issues of swallowing other foods.

Once I get back to eating a more normal meal, which is at about 4 weeks out, I will need to start measuring out my food. I will need to measure out a 1/2 cup of food for my meal. They say that you are always supposed to go for the proteins first to fill you up rather than the carbs. This is also going to be hard because you get used to eating a certain way and it is going to take a lot to get into a new way of thinking about food. A dear friend, and liver mom, said to me on FB the other day "I guess you really have to change your relationship with food" and she's very right. I have to start thinking about what is going to be best for me, not what sounds good or is quick. I can't eat when I am bored or just because anymore. I have to change everything. I know that in the end it is going to be a good thing, but I am sure it is going to be a struggle to get there. I am very glad that I have been able to have this opportunity. I know that a lot of people don't understand what this is all about and that's alright, but I'd rather they ask than just brush it off.

Last meal please.....

2011-05-08T16:19:00.000-05:00

So, as of this morning I started my liquid diet. Can I tell you that, at just shy of 7 hours, it sucks! More about that later.

Thursday night we had to return a brand new TV that was just over 30 days old! It just stopped working. Wouldn't turn on at all anymore. We were SO not happy. After we went to the store and ended up getting a completely different TV, which was a little more expensive, I was starving!!!! So, I decided that we needed to go to P.F. Chang's for my last big meal. It was SO good! I figured that since we were in the area, I would have my last big meal for a very long time. Actually for forever since I will only ever be able to eat small portions again after Wednesday. I was very pleased with my "last meal" and figured that yesterday would be a normal day of eating. Well, we ended up going out again last night with the in-laws and I had Crab Legs! YUMMMM! So, I had two very good last meals over the past two days. I can only hope that the thought of these meals will get me through the next few weeks!

As of today, I have had a lot of Jell-o, a orange sugar free Popsicle, a protein shake that I almost threw up all over my step mother in law and my mother, a better protein shake, a lot of water and some chicken broth. And this will continue for the next two days and then week following my surgery. I know that it will be worth it, but right now I feel like crap. I am hungry and verging on being cranky. I know the cranky part is from my caffeine withdrawal! We will see what tomorrow brings!

Oh yeah! I have a final to take tomorrow too! Yay!

Time for some change...

2011-05-03T09:53:00.000-05:00

It's time for some change around here. Not only on the blog do you like the new background?, but in general. I have a secret that only a select few people know about right now. However, pretty soon everyone will find out anyway so, in the spirit of change, I thought I would just share it with everyone. (I'll get to the spilling of the guts in a minute)

Let me just say that I understand that not everyone approves of what I am about to say and that's o.k. It's my life, not yours. It's also my decision, not yours. I also understand that some people might have questions. Great! The more you ask me, the more I can explain to you so that you can understand where I am coming from.

O.k., on with the gut spilling. In the very near future, a week from tomorrow, I am going to be having Lap-Band surgery. It is something that I have thought very seriously about and have decided that it is the best option for me and my health. I know that a lot of people view this as an easy way out, but let me assure you it is not. This is actually going to be a very long and difficult road with very strict lifestyle changes. I am going to try to start blogging again because I want to chronicle this journey I am about to take so that others understand the risks, benefits, and daily struggles of this type of choice. This is a tool, not a fix all. I am going to have to exercise for at least 30 minutes 4-5 days a week, watch what I eat extremely well, measure out everything that goes into my mouth, and make better choices about what I put on my plate.

There are also certain things that I will have to give up indefinitely. One of those items is anything carbonated. This includes Soda, Beer - no big loss for me Yick!, Champagne, sparkling water, sparkling ciders, etc. Sweets and other sugary items also have to go. Just because you have this surgery, does not mean that you can't continue to gain weight. I am also going to have to limit my caffeine intake to 1 cup of coffee or tea per day. Also, no more straws. They can cause gas intake which can lead to extreme discomfort. This is the same reason I can't have carbonation any more. I am going to need to take a multivitamin and a calcium chew for the rest of my life. Honestly, this is probably something I should be doing anyway, but now it is more important to make sure I get all of the nutrients I need in a day.

I have learned a few things through this journey already. I have learned that this is something I am committed to. I know what I have to give up and what I am going to put myself through and I am alright with that. I have also learned that apparently when you take a calcium supplement, only 500mg of calcium will absorb into your system at a time. I am a science geek so I thought this was really interesting. So, if you are taking a calcium supplement that is over 500mg, you are missing out on the full benefits.

So, starting this Sunday, I will be on a liquid diet. It will consist of Three protein shakes a day (bfast, lunch, and dinner), sugar free drinks, sugar free Jello, sugar free Popsicles, ice, sports drinks diluted in water, etc. This is to help shrink the liver as well as empty out the stomach. I will be on this diet for three days before and 1 week after my surgery. I will get into the rest of the diet as that time gets closer.

So, I have hopeful that this is the tool that I need to help me discover the me I should be. The me I want to be. Only time will tell. I hope this is a good journey for us all.

Prayers and thoughts abound

2010-12-20T12:01:00.000-06:00

I will post later about what has been going on with me since my last post. Today I ask for prayers and thoughts.

My friend Tina is an extraordinary person. She is one of those people that makes you smile just because she is so infectious. I ask for you to pray for Tina, her family, and especially her Aunt. Tina's aunt has been fighting cancer for some time now. Tina has set up a caring bridge page for her, gone out of state to help care for her Aunt and her cousins, and done an excellent job of keeping everyone informed of her Aunt's progress. Unfortunately, it seems that the time for fighting is coming to an end. Please send your thoughts and prayers that my dear friend's Aunt is able to spend on last holiday with her family. I do not know her family other than thought Tina, but I can tell that she is so very much loved.

She has been on my thoughts on and off since we learned of her prognosis, but it seems like holidays where friends and family are gathering to celebrate makes me think of her more. In this time where people are rushing to get presents bought, wrapped, and sent there are other things we should really worry about. I admit that I am not a big fan of Christmas because I feel like I can never get a good enough present for everyone. I have absolutely learned my lesson this year. It's not the present. It's the people. Hold your loved ones tight. You never know when you will be asking for thoughts and prayers for them.

I did a shadow box project for my cousin and MIL/Step-FIL and 3 uncles this year for Christmas that included a poem that I think is beautiful so I would like to share it.

To Those I Love

By: Isla Paschal Richardson

If I should ever leave you whom I love

To go along the Silent Way,

grieve not,

nor speak of me with tears,

but laugh and talk

of me as if I were beside you there.

(I'd come-I'd come, could I but find a way!

But would not tears and grief be barriers?)

And when you hear a song or

see a bird I loved,

please do not let the thought of me be sad...

For I am loving you just as I always have...

You were so good to me!

There are so many thing I wanted still

to do--

so many things to say to you...

Remember that I did not fear--

It was just leaving you that was so hard to face...

We cannot see Beyond...

But this I know:

I love you so--

'twas heaven here with you!

School and sickness

2010-08-26T10:05:00.000-05:00

School started Monday and it is already sucking up a lot of my free time. No more FB, no more blogging, no more StarCraft II. :( Though, I have had a sick baby as well so that has taken up a lot of time too.

Monkey had some kind of virus which was causing her break outs and now it has caused a horrible snotty nose. Mouse now has a snotty nose too and was extremely cranky yesterday. I think that hers is from teething. She turned 9 months old on the 24th and the poor thing only has 4 teeth with 2 more coming in. By this time, I think Monkey had almost a full mouth! She holds her own though and manages to gum pretty much everything to death.

We are really hoping they get over the snotty noses soon because they really aren't sleeping well at night. And every mom out there knows that the result of that is the fact that YOU don't get to sleep well at night. This hurts me even worse since I don't sleep well at night anyway! Total Zombie land here most days right now. Also, as far as sickness goes, I haven't been feeling the greatest. I have been getting dizzy spells, feeling overly tired (even more so than I should with everything that had been going on), and oddly enough the tip of my tongue would go numb. So, I finally made a Dr's appointment after I decided to check my blood sugar one night and found it to be 277. For those of you that don't know, that is extremely high.

So, I went and he told me that I have full blown Diabetes now. NOT a happy camper, but I have no one to blame for it but myself. Not even my genes because I knew it was there, lurking in the background like some freak of a stalker, and I have not really done anything to prevent it. So, now is the time to start and hopefully I will have some good news on that front to report soon. We will see.

Now what?

2010-08-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

So, the past two days my blogging time has been spent staring intently at Monkey. After I picked her up from preschool (her second day there BTW) and we ate supper, I noticed that she had a little bit of a rash on her skin. Most of the time I am not worried by it because she is kind of a rashy baby. Her skin is somewhat sensitive, so sometimes she has bumps on her skin that aren't red, they are just there. Well, in a matter of 15-20 minutes they started turning red and it start spreading. Within the hour she had developed hives. It took me something like 1 hour and 45 minutes to finally get in touch with someone who knew what to do with her. I actually ended up talking to one of her old GI Dr's who happened to be on call. I told her that I was so sorry to bother her and it was not a GI issue, but she was my last resort. She was absolutely fine with talking to me. She even asked for updates on Monkey since she hadn't seen her in awhile. So, after talking to Dr. H and deciding to do a good dose of Benadryl, Monkey crashed. She was so tired! All the while, I was also on FB talking with a few of my fellow liver moms about their opinions of what to do. LOVE THEM! I also learned a few tidbits of valuable information along to way to bring up with her allergist and other Dr's.

I was so concerned that she had gotten into peanuts or something else that I made her a pallet to sleep on in the front room while I was still awake so I could keep an eye on her. Then when it was time for bed, I took her to bed with me and (of course) I stayed awake just staring at her hoping that she didn't start having any breathing problems. She slept fine, mommy not so much. In the morning she was fine and just had the non red bumps all over again. I kept giving her the benadryl as directed by her allergist's nurse. Well, yesterday evening she broke out again. No hives this time thanks to the dosing of Benadryl. None the less, I kept a pretty good eye on her last night too even though she slept in her own bed. I slept not so well because of being worried about her. When she woke up this morning, she was fine again so off to school we went. I got called at like 9:30 to come and get her because she was breaking out again. This time she also has horrible diaper rash and it is running down her legs as well.

So, of course I called everyone involved with her care including her allergists office again. Only this time I wanted an appointment with the allergist because I think it is time to see what else she might be allergic to. I'm not a happy momma right now. The answer I received was "We don't do emergency appointments. We can see her in September. See if you can get her in to see her primary care." Umm....aren't you guys supposed to be the specialists? Isn't he just going to tell me to see you guys anyway? Why do we need to wait for something like this? She needs to be seen sooner rather than later so it doesn't develop into something else. "Well, we don't do emergency appointments. Her primary care should be able to handle this." UGH! So, I called and am getting an appointment for Monday for her since her pediatrician is closed today so he can move his office into a much needed bigger facility. I guess I am going to have to play the guessing game as to what is making her break out over the weekend. If it gets too bad I guess we will see the E.R. again. *sigh* Why can't Monkey ever present with anything easy? Just once?

So, sorry for already failing, but it was actually for a good reason this time. Monkey watch! Hope you all have a great weekend. I am sure mine will be...interesting.

Speak to me

2010-08-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

Wow...it's been 2 months. I feel like I have been gone so often that the tired old excuses as to why don't matter, so I wont give them. Just know that I will try to keep up once again and more than likely I will fail. It seems to be my motto in life. "I will fail at something, just wait and see."

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of thinking on the wee hours of the morning when I either can't sleep or when Mouse has decided she needs to stay awake. I have made more than a few decisions about the direction of my life. Some very satisfying and some very needed thought I expect to fail at more than one of them because I always do.

The thing that started my thinking was the show "So you think you can dance" actually. I love to watch shows like this that showcase real talent in the dancers and choreographers. There are very few and far between routines that actually speak to me in a way that others will never understand. While I love to watch dance, I don't understand it like others do. However when there is a piece that touches me, it's amazing. It got me thinking about the things that really speak to me in a way that not a lot of other's can understand.

I would say that music can speak to me because it used to. It really did. I used to play the Clarinet and the Bass Clarinet in band and I loved it. Music would tell me about joy, heartache, imagination, and life. It would tell a story that I loved to be a part of. Now, not so much since I haven't picked up an instrument in at least 10 years. Shame on me for letting that go, but it is what it is.

The things that speak to me now are not so different than they were way back when in some aspects. I have always wanted to be involved in the emergency services in some way shape or form. The interest hit me at about 13 and it has always been there in the back of my mind tugging at me. When I was 14, I was granted a certificate for the first responders program in my area because I did better on the tests than most of the adults I took the test with. You are supposed to be 18 to be a licensed first responder. And that is how it has been ever since. The only problem that happened when I hit college was that all the confidence I had in my abilities left. I lack the confidence in myself to know whether the decision I am making is right or wrong. That is something that just can't happen in emergency medicine.

Anyway, the things that speak to me are being the first person to reach out to someone who has been in an accident. Watching a new little life enter this world and take their first real breath speaks to me. Feeling some one's heart valve close around your finger while you are helping to stop their bleeding speaks to me. Watching children, especially my own, discover new and unexplored things speaks to me. Watching the wonder and excitement cross over their face is just amazing. Watching a liver baby turn from yellow to pink in a matter of days speaks to me. Caring for someone who can't care for themselves speaks to me. Especially when you truly WANT to care for that person.

For these reasons above and so many more, I have decided that it is time to return to nursing school. I have about a 1.5 year wait, but I am at least on the list. It is time for me to stop doubting myself and the things that I know in my heart are right. Even if it isn't the norm. After caring for Monkey while she was in the hospital and making decisions on the fly as well as with the help of others, I know where I belong. I belong in emergency medicine where my skill, compassion, and heart can speak to others.

Also for these reasons, I have decided that there are no more excuses for losing weight. I have a wonderful friend who has agreed to help me figure some things out for myself and we are going to hit the ground running in a few weeks. It's just something I have to do for myself, my career, and most of all my family.

Along the way there are going to be bumps, falls, and complete derailments, but that's o.k. It's something that I have to deal with. Classes start next week for all my pre-Req's and I know that it is going to help me. As I have gotten older and been taking classes before, it had always gotten easier for me because I knew I had to create a schedule so I could do well in class. This time is no different. I expect excellent work of myself from class and there is no reason I shouldn't expect it in other areas. Anything less is not an option for me when it comes to my grades and that is how it is going to be in other areas as well.

Wordless Wednesday...Father's Day Pic Contest

2010-06-16T12:53:00.000-05:00

There is a Father's Day Foto contest going on right now hosted by a few different blogs (Buttons will be at the bottom). I thought that this was a good thing to do for Wordless Wednesday. So, here is my submission of the huz.

This picture was taken about a month after Monkey's first surgery. She still slept a lot. It was one of the few times when we actually got some downtime and as you can see Daddy and his little Monkey took advantage of the time to get in a quick nap. When I was looking for this picture, I noticed that I did not have a picture of Daddy and both girls. Something that will be corrected VERY soon. So, to not let Mouse feel left out, here is a picture of Daddy and Mouse doing their favorite thing.

Do you see a theme forming here?

I have really been wanting to try out this stuff. From what I have heard it is great, but I am not so sure. I mean, soap on your teeth?! Maybe if I win it I won't have an excuse not to try it!

Ready to link up? Go to any of the hosts below!

Post It Note Tuesday

2010-06-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

It's once again PINT! Please follow the link above and create your own neat-o posties!

A little while ago means about an hour ago!

I'm Leaving....

2010-06-04T01:10:00.002-05:00

On a jet plane....err, make that a Ford Edge.

I don't know when I'll be back again. Wait, yes I do! Saturday June 12th.

Oh, babe, I hate to go. No, really, I don't. I actually can't wait to go!

Today is Friday so that means that it is time to link up for Friday Follow. If you want the details, click on the link below.

I promise to visit and follow any new followers as soon as I get back on the computer. I will be trying to get some sleep tomorrow during the day sans kids so I can drive to New Orleans tomorrow night. I will absolutely let you all know how that goes. I am sure that there will be blog fodder galore with trying to make a 12-14 hour car ride with a 2yo and a 6mo. Am I crazy or what? shut it.

Also, please visit this link and vote for the shirt I made for Fibers.com's Father's Day T-Shirt contest. I am currently in first place, but second place is catching up quickly! Please spread the word about Organ Donation because that is really what the shirt is all about!

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you all have a great Friday!

Tell the truth Thursday

2010-06-03T16:23:00.000-05:00

Let's all Tell the Truth!

My shirt is up to 46 votes! I am SO excited. Second place is at 31 votes. Yes, I am begging you to please, please, please go vote for it. Share the link with your friends and have them look at it and vote for it. Get the Organ Donation word out there! Please feel free to leave a comment too.

I have gotten absolutely nothing done for the trip today. I need to get the front room cleaned, do more packing, clean the girls' room, do one last load of laundry, clean the kitchen, and do one last load of dishes. I also have to pack the girls an overnight bag because they are spending the night with "Bob" and Grammy J so I can sleep tomorrow. Why do I need to sleep you ask? I know, you really weren't that interested, but I am telling you anyway! We are leaving tomorrow night and since the huz has to work all day, I need to sleep so I can drive.

I just found out today that I have a mild form of IBS. Why don't Dr's ever believe you when you go to them and tell them that you know you have "Blah"? Ugh. I could have done without all the testing.

I am SO sick and tired of hearing about this perfect game that got ruined. If you haven't been reading long, I am not so much a fan of baseball because of how highly paid these guys are just to play a sport. Yes, it's sad that the guy was wrong, but that's life! Ugh. You are still getting your billions of dollars so why do you care? Why not give up the paycheck to teachers, EMT's, Paramedics, Nurses, or even firefighters and know what it is like to really complain.

Anyhoo, I also wanted to let everyone know that I am failing miserably at losing weight. Absolutely failing. However, I am not going to beat myself up about it anymore. I think that is part of the problem. I am going to try to just let the one day I mess up on be just that. One day. Rather than beating myself up about it and letting it turn into three days or a week and so on. I am going to start telling myself that it is alright to fail as long as I never quit. Too bad I didn't use that philosophy in nursing school way back when...I'd be done and not wishing to go back.

I am So going to eat bad when I am in New Orleans. It is just something that will happen and I accept that. It's a once in a lifetime thing and I will move on. I am still going to try, but I know there will be a few meals that are not the best. And that's o.k.

I dislike people sometimes. I go through phases of wanting to just be left alone. It's nowhere near as bad as the huz, but it happens. The huz would be a hermit if I let him! Me? Not so much. I just hate the drama sometimes. I think that is why a lot of my IRL friends are guys. They are easier for me to get along with.

Now, off to clean and pack and blargh!

Do you need to tell the truth?

Wordless Wednesday.....Pour Your Heart Out

2010-06-02T09:51:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a mixture of Wordless Wednesday and Pour Your Heart Out hosted by Shell. I guess it should be called wordful Wednesday then huh? I never was any good at following the rules!

To participate in Pour Your Heart out, just click the button. For WW, you know what to do!

Some of you already know that I have entered a Fathers Day T-Shirt design contest. I am totally going to pimp it out until June 9th. Yes, it would be nice to win the iPad and other prizes and I wouldn't turn them down. However, there is another reason that I designed a shirt focused on Organ Donation. (Here is where the WW comes in) The reason is the little girl in the pictures below.

My little Monkey wouldn't be here today without Organ Donation. She received her Liver transplant on November 18, 2008. Ever since then she has been a completely new baby and now toddler. I can't imagine my life without her. It is difficult to wrap my head around the fact that there was even a possibility that we could have lost her. At the time I didn't realise how very sick she was. She was happy. She seemed to be relatively healthy, aside from her yellow skin. She did sleep a lot, but we thought that we just had a good and very laid back baby. Our world turned upside down when we were told that she did indeed have liver disease. She went through a surgery to try to help her liver, but it failed almost immediately. Then she had surgery to place a central IV line because I was tired of seeing my little baby be tortured just to start an IV. It was one of the best decisions I ever made for her health during that time. Then came her transplant. 6 1/2 hours of sitting and waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting for the nurse from the OR to tell me how my baby was doing. Waiting to see her afterwards. While we did take pictures of her in PICU afterwards, I didn't want pictures taken of her with the ventilator in her mouth. If someone did take them, I don't want to know. I'm weird like that. The other side of transplant is an amazing place.

I can't help but think that if I can get the word out there for people to go at least look at the shirt, if not vote for it, they would start to think about the message it presents. If I can touch all of my followers on here, all of my followers on Twitter, and my friends on FB, then I have done my part for Organ Donation today. No one should ever have to lose their loved ones because an organ wasn't available to them. I have witnessed quite a few liver babies pass because of this. It always breaks my heart. We were extremely blessed with Monkey's wait. She waited for 22 days on the transplant list. A family who lost their child gave us the most precious and wonderful gift anyone could have ever given us. Their child now lives on through Monkey. So please, at least go look at the shirt. Consider what it stands for. Please take the time to think about making the decision to become a donor if you aren't already. If you choose to vote for the shirt, I appreciate it. If you choose to become an Organ Donor, you will forever be my Hero. And please, spread the word.

Post It Note Tuesday

2010-06-01T13:33:00.000-05:00

It's Post It Note Tuesday hosted by Supah. Go ahead and Link up!

I meant about the drive, not the trip.

Vote Now!

Father's Day Contest...Help Me!

2010-05-31T12:58:00.000-05:00

Shell pointed me towards Fibers.com last night. She is doing a giveaway from them and she also mentioned that they are doing a Father's Day Contest. You design a shirt and then people vote on it. The person with the most votes wins great prizes! Including an iPad!!!!! Well, I couldn't pass this up so I designed a shirt! To view it and VOTE please please please, you can go here. I designed a shirt for the huz that reflects our life trying to promote Organ Donation Awareness.

Each person can cast a max on 3 votes per account (no creating duplicate accounts because they log your IP address) so if you create something, let me know and I can vote for you guys too. Right now the highest vote is up to 27 votes. Surely we can beat that!!!

2 Years Old

2010-05-30T11:35:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my little Monkey. Today she turns 2 years old. To read her updated, go here.

Friday Fragments

2010-05-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of bloggers out there who have Friday Fragment posts on Fridays to help them sum up their week. This week, I think that I need to do this too. There are so many things that run through my mind, but I never write them all down or have enough to say about them for an actual blog post. Also, I am participating in a new Friday Follow. Please bear with me as I am SO very new to this!

Monkey has fallen onto her head twice this week. Twice! We call her Monkey for a reason. She climbs on EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, this week she has decided to master the art of not so gracefully falling. I think that she just likes to give her mother a heart attack as well!

My mom's neighbor lost their precious little Yorkie Tuesday night. He was so cute and sweet. I really hope they find him and someone didn't just take him because they saw him wondering. I always try to contact the owners whenever I find an animal. I like to think that others do the same.

We spent Tuesday night in the pool. It was Mouses first time in the pool and I don't think she knew what to think of it. She just kept staring and looking at all of us as she was floating in her baby ring. She was just too adorable though. Monkey on the other hand is turning into a regular little fish.

On Sunday my little Monkey will be turning 2. I just can't believe it. After everything she has been through, she is going to be 2. We have been so very blessed that she hasn't had a lot of the issues that a lot of other liver babies have had. We thank her donor angel every day for the gift of life she was given. Without her transplant, she probably wouldn't have made it this far.

About a month ago I discovered Roasted Red Pepper Humus. I have always said that I hate Humus. Well, this is the best stuff I have ever eaten! I don't know if the last Humus I tasted wasn't flavored or what, but I am eating my words...literally. Another good thing about it is that Monkey will eat it. That is saying something. She doesn't eat anything unless it is in the form of the McD's nugget or fruit or something sweet.

We are going to New Orleans for a week starting on June 4th. I am SO excited that I can't stand it. We are going for the huz's work. He attends the Microsoft conference every year and this year it is in LA. The girls and I are going because we have family that lives close by. I haven't been to LA in almost 20 years. I am SO excited that I get to take the girls with me to visit with family we don't get to see very often. I am also sad that they won't get any beach time due to the oil spill. I truly hope they get that fixed soon. So many endangered species are going to be hurt by it. Ugh! Let's just move one before I get on my soap box!

My straw bale garden is growing lettuce, green beans, cucumbers, and A LOT of grass. So disappointed in the whole grass thing. That wasn't supposed to happen with straw bales. Oh well. We will see if I can keep what is growing alive long enough to harvest. If I can, the family will not want to green beans! There are like 10 plants growing right now!

Cutest Pet Pic Contest

2010-05-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of the Cutest Pet Pic Contest hosted by Supah, Shell, and Chief's. If you would like to enter link up on one of their pages.

Here is the picture I am entering. It is not the picture I wanted to enter, but I think that it is just as cute! The pic I wanted to enter is MIA right now which is sending me into panic attacks that I am missing more pics that I didn't know about! Anyway, here are my three little cuties, plus the wonderful huz. My two 70ish pounds dogs and the 19pound cat who all think they are lap fur-babies!

India, Nala, Binks (and the huz)

Wordless Wednesday....6 months

2010-05-26T11:14:00.000-05:00

My little Mouse turned 6 months on the 24th! I can't believe that she is 6 months old already. It seems like we just brought her home yesterday. Happy 6 month birthday my beautiful little mouse. You have changed our lives for the better.

Just Born

1 Month

2 Months

3 Months

4 Months

5 Months

6 Months

Mission Monkey Day

2010-05-21T11:34:00.002-05:00

Hello blog-world! I am participating in what's known around the world as Mission Monkey day! What is Mission Monkey you ask? Well, there's this blogger friend of ours known as Pixie Momma, aka Michelle. Michelle has a little girl, or Monkey as she's known by who was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma. To learn more about it, click here. Monkey is a sweet little 16 month old girl. She doesn't deserve this. Nobody deserves this.

But the good news is that Monkey only has Stage 1 (low risk). The bad news is the medical bills are mounting and the Physical Therapy (starts today) isn't covered by insurance. Michelle is using the donated money to offset medical bills. She will donate and unused portion to another family dealing with the same issue.

This is why the blogging universe is banning together like never before to rally around Michelle and Monkey to provide support. In addition to further entice you to lend your hand, and donate to the cause, we have over 50 items that have been donated. Many bloggers are hosting these fabulous giveaways and all you need to win one of these items is just one raffle ticket.

Donation pages:
Princess of Sarcasm - http://bit.ly/9nUmBp
The One and Only Oka - http://bit.ly/9KZSOG
SupahMommy - http://bit.ly/bSMrGw
Jenn B Says #1 - http://bit.ly/bYzHAH
Jenn B Says #2 - http://bit.ly/bej01D
Amber - http://bit.ly/cTGq29
Two Little Monkeys - http://bit.ly/cZKjzK
Mommy's Nest - http://bit.ly/9tLjoy
Chief's Hiding From the Kids - http://bit.ly/cfKIiO
Jenny - http://bit.ly/dftIS2
Jana - http://bit.ly/aUKVjM

You may donate any amount of money via PayPal as it's linked directly to Michelle's bank account. However, in order to be a part of the raffle, this is how that's going to go. If you donate the following, you get the subsequent number of entries:

$10 - 2 entries
$20 - 5 entries
$30 - 10 entries
$40 - 15 entries
$50 - 20 entries
$75 - 35 entries
$100 - 50 entries
$200 - 125 entries

The raffles for each item will start on or around July 1st.

Click on monkey to donate...please help!

If you are donating money via PayPal, I need to know who it's coming from. For example, look at the first picture below. The link takes to you this screen. Press the plus sign and then indicate your blog name/blog email address so I can track you accordingly.

And, here's the thing: this could be any of our kids. Thank you for your time and thank you for your donation.

There are also a few other things going on to celebrate Mission Monkey please visit them all!

Twitter party!

More info can be found here - CASH PRIZES!!!!!!

Kerri over at Kerri's Klutter is donating $1 for each and every linkup she receives for her weekly meme, Comment Love Letters. In addition, Adrienne is matching Kerri's donation dollar for dollar! Go and link up and support Mission Monkey!

ZGirl and Travis are participating in a weight loss challenge and they are asking for your sponsorship. Please visit them and lend your support!

Jenn over at BabyStepsInHighHeels has a challenge where she's going to donate $1 for every comment/new follower from now until the end of May. Please visit her!

Tell the truth Thursday

2010-05-20T22:23:00.001-05:00

I know that this is very late, but honestly here is the reason I didn't get anything posted today. Well, this and the fact that I actually cleaned the front room complete with vacuuming! *be shocked, I am*

I have bangs! I have never looked good with bangs imho, but I LOVE these!

Sassy side view

I LOVE purple!

Edit: I also wanted to tell the truth about my weight. It's bad. It's gone up due to no exercise. So, I joined WW online last night. We will see what happens!

Zombie Apocalypse? I'm good.

2010-05-19T12:12:00.000-05:00

I am pretty sure that over the past 2 days I could have made a very good stand in for a zombie had the zombie apocalypse occurred. Sunken eyes, drooling, incoherent moans, and shuffling around the house where absolutely all taking place in this household. Monkey has woken up 4 of the past 6 mornings at 4:30 or 3:30! It seemed like the later I let her go to sleep, the earlier she got up.

The night before last she went to bed at a decent time and so did Mouse. Unfortunately I couldn't sleep one bit! I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and they both actually slept all night! What is wrong with this picture?! Oh well, I will just have to try to catch up this weekend. Though, I doubt that is going to happen. We have a wedding to go to Saturday and then Sunday we are celebrating Monkey's 2nd birthday! 2?! Already?! Surely she can't be 2! Well, she is surely acting like a 2 year old!

Now I am off to try to get some things done around the house that were neglected during my days as a zombie. Oh, and I think Monkey would be good during a zombie apocalypse too. The huz keeps saying that she got her transplant scar from fighting zombies!

4:30a.m.....we are NOT friends!

2010-05-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

Suddenly my little monkey has ~~gone crazy~~ decided that the perfect time to wake up is 4:30a.m. It's like she was abducted by aliens! She has forgotten that mommy ~~will surely die if she has to get up any earlier than 6~~ is not a morning person. At. All.!

Hence why there was no post yesterday. I spent the majority of my day trying to peel my eyelids off of my eyeballs while they were screaming for "just 5 more minutes mom" of precious rest. Nap time did not go well either. She decided that 10 am was nap time. A full 2 1/2 hours too early. I thought that this was going to be great!!! I could get a little shut eye and then when she woke up, I would be ~~wonder woman~~ a little above barely functioning again. Ha! No dice. Mouse had other plans. She decided she was going to be a hold me baby which I normally don't mind. This time however, she had to be sitting up. Which meant I had to stay awake to hold her due to her lack of self sitting skills.

By the time she was ready to be put down again, Monkey woke up. A measly 1 hour after she had fallen asleep. For the rest of the day she went through fit of cuddling and ~~turning into a daemon child~~ crying for the slightest things. Seriously, one time I stood up from the chair to adjust my pant leg! Seriously kiddo? It's not something to cry about. I promise. I guess what I am trying to say by all of this boo hoo, what happened to my little princess stuff is that if this is what 2 brings, we can skip it and go straight to 3. I mean it. I used to always say that I never wanted to wish her life away, but ~~give me the damn magic wand and pixie dust already~~ if this keeps up, I am going to go crazy!

4:30 a.m. should be no one's friend. Especially when you are SO not a morning person. Yet, again today, she felt the need to push that big red invisible button that says "Wake Mommy up WAY too early!". Tomorrow is SO the huz's day. Mouse and I will be content to sleep in and let him deal with the impostor posing as my little princess. Even though I think she was abducted by aliens, I still love her. Just not the time she chooses to wake up! Now....off to nap while the napping is good.

Wordless Wednesday....Big Hair

2010-05-12T07:50:00.000-05:00

Monkey was rocking big hair the evening after Mouse's Baptism. We had put her hair up in a top pont tail and this is the result after taking it down!

Post It Note Tuesday: Cute or Worrysome?

2010-05-11T12:41:00.000-05:00

Mission Monkey Minute

2010-05-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I was visiting Things I Can't Say and saw that she had done a post about a blog that she had found. As she went on, my heart broke and I instantly started tearing up. Once I clicked over to read the blog posts as Momma's Pixie Dreams, I started to full out cry my eyes out.

Their own little monkey was just diagnosed with Neuroblastoma. She is just 16 months old. It breaks my heart to see this family hurting. It doesn't matter that they have a different diagnosis than my own monkey had. I know the pain and the overwhelmed feelings and especially the fear of not having an answer. I read this post from Shell at Things I can't say and decided to send Ian an email. I contacted him in regards to donating a blanket that we made either to their fundraising efforts or directly to Monkey. It was up to him. He told me that he thought the blanket should go directly to Monkey. So, as soon as I get it washed and dried, Monkey is going to be the first official child we donate a blanket to from a family we don't know. (Jax was the first and we know them)

So, I am extending a challenge for Mission Monkey. Please, please grab her button and get the word out. You can find it at Ian's blog or at Big Momma Cass's. Please pray for Monkey and her family.

I am also taking part in Ian's Mission Monkey Minute for the day:

1 - How old do you act?

I am sure that the answer to this question is too old. I have always been more responsible and mature for my age. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of fun and silliness, but not often enough. So, I would say that I probably act like I am 40 or 50 sometimes. Other's like I am still in my 20's.
2 - As far back as you can remember, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I always wanted to be a Vet, then a Marine Biologist, and then at 14 I decided on Pediatric Trauma Nurse or Flight Nurse. To this day, I still want to be a nurse. Maybe someday...

3 - If you were to write a book based on your life, what would the title be?

Liver, Spit up, and a whole lot of mess

4 - What's something that you do that's considered "childish" by most?

Probably playing computer games still. I like to color. I can't help it! Sometimes when I get angry with the hubs, I say hurtful things. SO trying to stop that so don't judge.

5 - The last question isn't a question. Write a story of a time of when you or someone you know overcame great adversity.

This is a story that some of you already know. It is about my own little Monkey. She was born May 2008 with Jaundice. When we were still in the hospital we were in danger of her not being able to come home with us because they had found out there was something wrong with her liver. It was eventually decided that she could go home as long as we came back to see a GI Dr on a regular basis. We happily agreed as long as we could take our little one home. After numerous blood tests, medications, and trips to see the GI Dr, she wasn't getting any better.

On a Sunday afternoon at 10 weeks of age, her stool turned completely white. Our pediatrician had always told us that if this happens we need to see him first thing. So, first thing that Monday morning, I called him and he had us come in right away. The next thing I knew, he was making phone calls to Children's Hospital and calling me back after hours to talk some more about Monkey. He told me that he thought that she had a disease called Biliary Atresia. I knew about it, but didn't want to say that I thought the same thing. It is a disease that affects between 10,000 and 16,000 infants a year with an unknown cause. He told us that we were to go straight to Children's Hospital in the morning and speak with them.

When we got there, we were told that they were going to run more tests. Then the Dr. asked me what I thought it was. I finally said the words "Biliary Atresia". He said that he thought so too, but we would see what the tests say. So, after a full day of tests, they told us they were going to admit her. The last test of the day was not promising so they were going to run it again in the morning. Then we would go from there. The next morning, the test showed the same poor results. They told us they had one more test to do, but it required surgery. Then the surgeon told us that if the test failed, he would immediately do a surgery to try to help her liver function. It was VERY hard to accept. Our little Monkey was not even 11 weeks old and she was already having major surgery.

That Thursday she was officially diagnosed with Biliary Atresia as the last test had failed. She immediately had a surgery to help her liver function. Unfortunately, the surgery did not help her and a few months later she was placed on the Liver Transplant list. We waited 22 days for a new liver for our little girl. Waiting was hard, but we knew she was in good hands with her team at Children's.

Once we got the call, we had to wait to see if the liver was a good match for her. After a little over 24 hours from the call, we were told that the liver was good and we would be going into surgery soon. At 5 1/2 months, and after 6 1/2 hours or so of surgery, our little monkey had a new liver. It was amazing. Her new liver started working before the surgery was even over. The first time I saw her, she had a flat belly. She hadn't had a flat belly her entire life. After 10 days we were sent home. Just in time to celebrate Thanksgiving. We had so much to be thankful for.

And we still do. Our little monkey is going to be turning 2 soon and you would never even know that she was sick. She is a normal little toddler who loves life as much as she loves her new little sister. Miracles do happen. We have two living with us.

Please stop by Ian's blog and show your support to Monkey's family by posting your own Mission Monkey Minute.

Mommy Tattoo

2010-05-07T08:47:00.000-05:00

So, I have been wanting a few tattoos for awhile now. One of them was a mommy tattoo. For those of you who don't know what a mommy tattoo is, it is a tattoo that memorializes your children.

Well, Saturday (May 1) I finally got to get my mommy tattoo. I am SO happy with it. I thought that I would share it with you all. The pics aren't the greatest, but I hope you get the hint. Now that I got this one, I want more!!! Though, I have to wait awhile as we don't have a money tree growing out back. Though, that would be a lot more appreciated than the large tree taking up the entire middle of our yard!

Long time no bloggy...time to tell the truth

2010-05-06T11:31:00.000-05:00

I know that it has been an incredibly long time since I have posted anything. So, in honor of To Tell the Truth Thursdays, I thought that I would come back and tell you why. Honestly.

I have been having a little bit of a bloggy identity crisis I guess. I am not sure that this blog is what I want it to be. I am not sure how to get it to where I want it to be. I have been feeling like my random rantings aren't all that important to anyone but myself. I have also really been less than inspired to write anything at all.

I have been feeling a little less than supported in certain ideas that I have had and I think that has lead me to have general blah feelings about most of the ideas running through my head. Also, I have been spending a fair amount of time on the internet doing research for the book I want to write as well as a few other ideas I have had. One of which is a straw bale garden. Also ~~some time~~ way too much time on that horribly addictive website that we all love to hate known as Facebook!

So, I know that this is a short list, but in general I have been feeling blah about the blog. I have been feeling blah about myself and the worth of my ideas. I have just been feeling blah.

And through all of this blah feeling, I miss it. I miss getting comments from people I don't know or from the bloggers like Fidget, Lori, momma shenanigans, and Tanis (among others) that I have grown to love through their own shared stories. Even if they could really care less about why I have been gone.

I ran across a quote on Facebook and I really liked it. It kind of touched me and I want to really try to live by it. "Don't worry about who you know, make yourself worth knowing."

Post It Note Tuesday

2010-03-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

I am finally taking part in Post It Note Tuesday...even though I am VERY late! Ugh! I had hoped to get these up by lunch, but as you can see by my first post it, that didn't happen. If you want to read more, just click on the above sticky.

Let's talk about muffins

2010-03-15T21:57:00.000-05:00

Muffin Tops to be exact. Now, I know that I am NOT a perfect size 8 like I used to be, but I do try to wear clothes that fit my body. I constantly ask people if what I am wearing is alright and if it isn't, I beg them to tell me. The question I have, however, is when did this become o.k.?

I am seeing more and more girls walking around looking like this or worse. I just wonder if they really looked in the mirror and said, "I look gooooood!" before leaving the house. Seriously, why do said females think that this is sexy? For that matter, do men actually think that this is sexy? Honestly, it makes me feel bad for them. Is there no one in their life that can tell them that they really need to just let go and buy a pair of jeans and a shirt that fit?

If I am completely deluded here, please tell me. I just think that this trend is so sad. There are tons of cute and beautiful women out there who are making themselves look bad by doing this. I know that even when I was thin, I always made sure that my clothes at least fit. Even if they were a little tight or showed some skin.

I also wonder what this says to our daughters. Does this trend tell them to be your own person and to not care about what others think? Or does it tell them that taking care of themselves and projecting a positive self image isn't important any longer? I truly hope that it is not the latter point.

So, my bloggy friends, this is my promise to you. I promise that if and when I ever get thin again, I will stay clear of anything that produces a muffin top from this body. If you happen to see me walking around with one, point it out by throwing a pair of jeans at me that might just fit properly! It might be embarrassing, but I will love you for it in the long run. :)

My accomplishments and a Monkey update

2010-03-11T13:29:00.000-06:00

Where has the time gone? It seems like I just blinked and it was Thursday. Since I haven't posted in a week, I am going to forgo my usual Tell the truth Thursday. I have some exciting news to share with all of you as well as an update on Monkey.

So, on to my news. I haven't really been paying attention to my weight since I have been on-again/off-again exercising. I haven't noticed a change in my clothes, so I just figured I was staying the same. Well, I weighed myself Saturday morning and found out that I have lost 6 pounds! That's right, count them..1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!!!!!!!!!! I can't tell you how excited I am about this. I know that it is just a drop in the bucket compared to what I really need to lose, but it has helped me get a little more motivated. I even went skating with the huz Saturday night. I didn't make it the whole session thanks to it being that time of the month, but I held my own.

Also, I decided to take the girls for a bit of a walk yesterday. It was absolutely beautiful here yesterday. Sunny and in the 60-70 degree range. I also had to go get a prescription for Monkey so I thought that I would just walk to the store and back. It's not that far, so off we went. I took a bottle of water and my ipod to keep me going. The double stroller is a great stroller even if it is a little large. It was so easy to push on our walk. The store is all downhill so it was great. It took about 25 minutes or so to get there. I got the prescription and then it was time to come back home. All. up. hill.!

I only stopped once going up the hill! The hill is about 5 blocks so I thought that was pretty good. When we finally got back home, Monkey wanted to walk some more so I decided we could go see her Pop (The huz's dad) and then walk back. By the time we got to Pop's it had started to get a little chilly so I borrowed a towel for Mouse. I was afraid that she was getting too cold and I had only brought one blanket for her. We stopped and visited for about 20 minutes and then we were off again. When I got home, my legs were jelly. All in all I walked and pushed the stroller for 2.8 miles!!! I am pretty proud of myself. Today, however, my legs are thanking me for the workout by trying to give out when I try to get out of the chair! I will show them, it is going to be another 3 mile walk tonight. Unless the weather holds out, then it will be this afternoon with the girls. I think they liked it yesterday and who am I to deny them what they like?

As for Monkey, we had to take her to the allergist on Tuesday. We thought that she was going to be allergic to raw eggs. She's not actually. We found out that she is allergic to peanuts! So shocked by that. Now we are an epi-pen carrying family. *sigh* For her full update, click here.

Tell the truth Thursday

2010-03-04T08:56:00.000-06:00

Another installment of Tell the truth Thursday.....

1. I am so tired today that I can barely keep my eyes open. Monkey woke up at 2a.m., then 2:30a.m., and finally at 3:45a.m. and decided to stay awake after that. After almost an hour of fighting to get her to go back to sleep in the chair with me, we stayed up. *sigh* *yawn*

2. This, my patience meter is at empty an all time low this morning.

3. I am pretty sure that a contributing factor, aside from sleep deprivation, to my patience meter being low is the fact that Aunt Flow is coming to visit. Blargh.

4. I started a new workout DVD two nights ago and it's actually pretty fun. It's called Walk Away Belly Fat. You "walk" three miles and then do some crunches and stretching at the end. It's nice and really doesn't feel like it takes almost an hour to complete. I think I am going to stick with it until my endurance gets up there and then go back to my love/hate relationship with Jillian Michaels.

5. The working out won’t be happening tonight unless there is some serious napping going on this afternoon.

6. I have been failing miserably at the whole Menu planning thing, so I am starting new and fresh with it this weekend. I received a new diet plan from a nutritionist at my insurance for my borderline diabetes so I am going to actively start working on that as well.

7. There are way too many Girl Scout cookies in our house!

What do you have to tell the truth about?

Wordless Wednesday.....Sad puppy

2010-03-03T08:17:00.000-06:00

These pictures were taken right after we installed our baby gate across the hall/entrance into the kitchen. I had the furbabies in the kitchen when I saw our little Pit doing this:

I'm a loser baby....

2010-03-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

.....so why don't you kill me? Seriously, just kill me right now.

As you can probably guess, this is my update of my results from try outs tonight. Yes, I am a loser. I didn't make it.

I am going to go sulk now.

Catching up Monday

2010-03-01T09:45:00.000-06:00

Since I typically do not get a chance to post anything over the weekends, I thought that I would make Mondays my catch up day.

Over the weekend I learned that another BA baby had been sent to heaven. I did not know this family at all, but it does hit close to home. The little girl was 10 1/2 months old and had just received part of her mother’s liver on Monday. She passed Friday or Saturday I believe. There are no words to express my sadness over this news. If only we could find a cause and then a cure for this disease.

To get the sad news out of the way first, sorry guys, I also learned that some friends of the family lost their 21 year old son on Saturday. It was such a sad circumstance and my heart truly goes out to the family.

Now, on to happier thoughts. Last night we got to meet Jax's dad and sister. I had already met his mom and Jax. The huz got to meet the family though so it was nice. We took Monkey and Mouse over to see them while I delivered some items that I made for them. It was so nice to be able to sit and visit with them. I love talking to other BA families. I think that it helps bring them hope. I also think that we owe it to Monkey's angel and other families to help them through this disease; whatever the outcome. Monkey was upset when we left. She wanted to stay and play with Jax's sister some more. I promised more play dates soon.

I am SO happy that it is March it's not even funny. I hope that it starts to get warmer around here. I am SO tired of the dreary grey and wet. I know that it will probably rain a lot the next few weeks, but it's better than snow. I like snow, but this time around I just seem ready for spring. I think that it is because Monkey needs to get outside and play. Plus, I want to get on my skates at the local park.

We got a crib for Mouse this weekend. Thanks mom and dad! Now we just need to get a mattress and put it together. She is growing out of her basinet SO quickly. Monkey was in her basinet for 7 months almost. I can't believe how different it is to have a healthy little one in the house. Mouse is going to be giving Monkey a run for her money soon. She is going to be rolling in no time. I can't wait to watch them play together. It is going to be so sweet.

And at last, today is the day I fid out if I made the derby league or not. Try outs are today and then they will call us all afterwards, once they have decided, to let us know if we made it. I am actually nervous. I know that I should have been doing something this past week to try to up my chances, but it didn't happen. No one's fault but my own. I have decided that even if I don't make it, I am going to volunteer to help out. Then, in a few months, when try outs open up again I will try again. And keep trying until I make it.

Thank you Liver Families

2010-02-25T21:18:00.001-06:00

Liver Families is an online community that I am part of. They have put together this montage for their 4th birthday! Check it out if you get the chance.

When we first learned that Monkey was diagnosed with a very rare liver disease, I joined an online community called Liver Families. Let me back up about 10 weeks. When Monkey was born, she was jaundiced. She literally came out of the womb jaundiced. They did tests at once, but she did not have to be seen in the NICU. The day before we were set to leave the hospital, we were seen by a GI specialist who told us that something was wrong with her liver. She threw a bunch of liver diseases at us. One of them being Biliary Atresia. She told us that she did not think that it could be that disease because it was very rare. For some reason, out of all of the diseases that she rattled off, BA stuck with me. Then, we were told that Monkey might not be able to go home with us because she needed more tests. I lost it when my OB walked into the room about 3 hours later. He calmed me down and told me that he knows what it is like to leave behind your little one. It made me feel a little better and in the end, Monkey got to come home with the promise of returning in 2 days for more tests at the GI Dr's office.

I started searching online for resources about liver disease and especially Biliary Atresia. As the weeks passed, Monkey continued to turn more and more yellow. She was actually on the orange side at one point in time. People told me all the time that she had such a beautiful complexion. I didn't have the energy to tell them why they were so wrong after I had already explained it for the billionth time that day. And as the weeks passed, I found different sites for liver disease resources, but most of them only had extremely sad stories of children not making it past 2 years old or past major surgery. It was deeply depressing and I was verging on panicking, though it really didn't show outwardly.

As Monkey's story goes, she did present her case very rarely. She's my child, why would she not be difficult? At 10 weeks 1 day her stool turned completely white. This was a major indicator of BA. I called her Pediatrician first thing Monday morning. By 5 p.m. that night he had arranged for us to take her to Children's Hospital for evaluation. He also asked me what I thought she had. I told him that I knew she had BA. He said that he thought so too, but was still optimistic. I don't know why I knew, I just did. Two days after we went to Children's, Monkey was in surgery for major reconstruction of her intestine so that the liver could, hopefully, drain bile. Two days after that, I found Liver Families.

I had decided to do one last search for liver disease and include the name of her sugery, the Kasai. Like magic, Liver Families was the first result to pop up. It was like the gods of the internet knew I needed these people. Liver families welcomed me and Monkey with open arms. They, along with our study coordinator and eventually our Transplant nurse, were the reason I remained sane through Monkeys hospital stays. I could ask them anything and they would always share their experience and expertise. I have never met these people, but I hope, pray, and cry for every single one of them and their children. My heart breaks and jumps for joy with every ounce of news I read. I truly hope that I am now helping others who are just starting this journey. Without Liver Families, I don't think that I would have made it to the other side of transplant as well as I did. Thank you Liver Families.

I can't stress enough how important Organ Donation is to the lives of people around the world. Especially our children, my children and my liver families.

Tell the truth Thursday

2010-02-25T13:57:00.000-06:00

I really like last week's installment of To tell the truth Thursday so I thought that I would continue it this week.

1. I am currently rocking out to Adam Lambert's CD on my computer and writing my blog rather than doing much needed laundry. I mean, who needs undies anyway?!

2. I am secretly going to be crushed when I don't make it onto the derby league. Try outs are this coming Monday.

3. I am throwing around the idea of trying to write a children's book about Transplant.

4. I have zero shows on my Calendar for March and I am panicking! I really don't want to lose leader for Partylite.

5. I hate my weight (which if you have read this blog for any length of time, you know) and am wondering what needs to happen again to make myself motivated to get back on the 30 day shred/exercise/eating right bandwagon. If you happen to be on said wagon and are driving by, feel free to pick me up, honk, or run me over!

6. I fell asleep in the comfy recliner yesterday for 30 minutes while holding Mouse. Not so bad you say? Well, it happened to be while Monkey was running free about the house!

What do you have to tell th truth about?

Wordless Wednesday.....3 months

2010-02-24T14:55:00.001-06:00

That's right, little mouse is 3 months old today. It's so hard to beleive!

Here are one month.........and two month too. Look how she has grown!

Happy 3 month B-day baby girl!

Prayer Reqest..

2010-02-23T20:31:00.000-06:00

I would like to ask any of you who read my blog or Monkey's blog to pray for a friend of ours. His name is Jax and he is currently on the Liver transplant waiting list. He is 9 months old and has Biliary Atresia, the same disease Monkey was diagnosed with. Jax is not a candidate for a living donor due to complications with his portal vein. Please pray that someone says yes to giving him a chance at life.

It is a bitter sweet prayer, to ask for one child to gain a life due to someone else losing theirs. Trust me, I know. While Monkey was a candidate for a living donor, we received the call before we had the chance to further explore that option. We were veru blessed and Monkey was only on the waiting list for a total of 28 days. I can only hope and pray that Jax has such a short wait. He has already been on the list for 14 days. Please keep little Jax in your thoughts as well as the families who are saying yes to saving other lives.

Tell the truth Thursday

2010-02-18T12:55:00.000-06:00

So, I ~~stole~~ borrowed this idea from Christina Lee over at Write Brained. It is perfect for me right now as I am completely out of things to say and too exhausted to really think of anything clever.

1. I am SO tired of hearing about Mark McGwire and how we should all just forgive him for doing steroids. Umm..how about he takes responsibility for his actions because he WANTS to, not because he had to for a job? How about we, as a society, start telling athletes/politicians/famous people that it is NOT o.k. to do things that are wrong and get away with it? That teaches NOTHING. Ugh!

2. I feel completely and utterly guilty about feeling frustrated with Mouse last night because she was being clingy for almost 6 hours straight! Just crying every time I put her down. I should feel happy that I have a happy(most of the time), healthy baby. Instead, I feel frustrated and then sad and then guilty because I think to myself for just a second that when Monkey was her age it was easier. THEN I feel even guiltier because a thought like that should NEVER cross my mind. Monkey was in the hospital at this age with her belly as large as a basketball and puking all over me every time we gave her a bottle.

3. I secretly like Lady Gaga's songs even if I can't stand her as a person.

4. My desk is a disaster and I have to admit to myself that it is never going to be just as I like it. I keep piling stuff on top of it so of course it isn't going to get any better.

5. I would love to have the time and money to go back to nursing school. Well, money anyway. I have the time, but that would mean the girls would have to go into daycare. In order to put them in daycare, I would have to go back to work full time. Going back to work full time would not allow me to go back to school since I would have to work so far away in order to make enough money to afford day care. It's a vicious cycle and I hate it.

6. I want to be a writer, but I don't have the willpower or train of thought to actually sit down and write a book. I don't even know what I would write about.

7. I am undercover or not so much geek. I like playing 40K and MMORPGs and reading on-line comics among many many other geeky things.

Do you have anything you need to tell the truth about?

Slacker

2010-02-16T22:05:00.000-06:00

I'm a slacker, I know. I am so sore and tired right now that I just want to curl up right next to the nice warm fan of my laptop and sleep for 3 days!

Derby is kicking my ass. Why, oh why did I ever think that this would be a good idea just 12 weeks after having a baby? I am SO out of shape it isn't even funny. I feel like an idiot becuase I can't even get back up half the time we do one or two knee falls. Ugh! I just flail around the floor like a dying whale. It's horrid, really it is. Oh, and it doesn't help that my feet got fat with this pregnancy so my skates are too small now. My feet are cramping like crazy, but we don't have the dough to buy new skates right now. Plus, I don't want to buy new ones before I know whether I make the league or not. I have no delusions that I will actually make it this year. I fully expect not to.

So, for now I leave you with this parting thought.....Why does the muscle in my underarm hurt and why do I keep punishing myself?!!!!

Wordless Wednesday.....Such a sweet little Reindeer

2010-02-10T08:17:00.000-06:00

Since it is a cold and snowy day here, I thought I would post a picture of the cutest little reindeer you could ever hope to see. The reindeer suit served as Mouse's snow suit for awhile before and after Christmas since she was in newborns for so long. (Now she is growing out of everything in a matter of days!)

Sunshine on a snowy day

2010-02-09T12:47:00.000-06:00

I am SUCH a slacker! I haven't been on the computer much since Thursday night so I haven't posted anything. I also, just now found out that I was given an award by two great bloggers that I follow. They are wonderful bloggers and I get a lot of inspiration from both of them. You can find them at: Peterson St. Louis and Acting Balanced. I hope you go and visit them when you get the chance. It was such a nice surprise to find on this cold, snow covered day.

So, I am going to do my duty and share this great award with someone else.

It's the Sunshine Award!

Here are the rules:

•Put the logo on your blog or within your post.

•Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.

•Link the nominees within your post.

•Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

•Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

Here are the bloggers that I am passing this award along to.....

Motherhood Uncensored - her shred blog is helping to get me back on track now that I have shoes to start the shred all over again. Check out her regular blog here.

Wee Shenanigans - Momma Shenanigans is a wonderful blogger and may have been the first blog I ever followed. She had a great sense of humor, wonderful giveaways, and is an inspiration.

In the Trenches of Mommyhood - She is definitely in the trenches.

Finding yourself, Despite yourself - Fidget is a gluten free mommy who doesn't hold any punches. Her stories about her family are funny and familiar. She also posts some pretty yummy recipes.

Write Brained - She is a great writer and makes some pretty cool jewelry too.

Muffin Tin Mom - She has given me some wonderful ideas for Monkey. Especially for snack time! Muffin Tin meals rock!!!!

Xmas Dolly - It's always Christmas at her blog (Well, at least the background is)

The pursuit of mommyness - She has some great tips on how to network as well as great support for us SAHMs or those who wish to be!

Cardiocanyography - A wonderful mommy who received a heart transplant just after her son was born. Yet another story that proves Organ Donation saves lives.

Mamalogues - A wonderful blogger with some funny stories, great discussion topics, and other items that will keep you interested.

a little pregnant - This blog was a great inspiration while we were TTC Monkey. Great inspiration for me.

Miss Britt - I actually found her on Twitter. She is funny and is working through some hard issues, but she doesn't pull any punches. SO glad I found her blog. She inspires me to be a better writer.

I really hope that you all take the time to visit these wonderful blogs. I hope you find some inspiration along the way.

P.S. Derby kicked my ass yesterday, but that is another blog for another time. :)

Happy Birthday to me

2010-02-04T08:47:00.000-06:00

That's right, today is my birthday. I am the ripe old a young 30 year old woman and I'm o.k. with that. I know a lot of people who have had issues with their 30th b-day, but really, it's not that bad. I am getting to do things now that I didn't get to do when I was 20 so it's all good.

Let me start off by telling you that normally my birthday and Christmas is one of the worst times of year for me. I get very anxious. Not because I am turning a year older, but because of the gifts. I always tell people they don't have to get me anything. Mostly it is because I HATE the feeling of "expecting" gifts when we can't reciprocate the favor. At Christmas the anxiety gets MUCH worse. I truly appreciate anything anyone does for me, but I feel an incredible amount of guilt about it also. However, this year has been a little different. I haven't told anyone that I did or didn't want anything really. Honestly it hasn't come up much and it is kind of nice that I don't have that anxiety.

However, this year the huz did a great job for my B-day present this year. (It certainly wasn't pizza that was ordered at the last minute because he forgot. True Story and I still married him ladies! :) ) Music has always been in the forefront of my life. There has never been a situation that music couldn't help me to cope through. Trust me, we have been through the wringer and music was always there. In the spirit of that, a few years ago my mother-in-law got me my very own MP3 player and I LOVED it. It was the best thing ever. I sat at my desk and listened to it daily so I didn't have to remember how much I HATED my job. I listened to it in the car with the adapter I bought, I took it everywhere with me. Then the unthinkable happened. The media store where I bought all of my music closed!!!! They were no longer going to support my MP3 player. That was over a year ago. I did still use my MP3 player, but I couldn't change anything off of it. Well, the huz got me a brand new 5th generation iPod nano!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me tell you, I couldn't have been more excited! I immediately started to download iTunes and to convert any of the music I still had on my laptop. I see endless opportunities for myself and this iPod. We are going to become the best workout buddies ever! Especially once the weather warms up enough for me to go skating outdoors. The soundtrack of my life currently includes 738 songs. Not as much as I used to have, but we will change that. I have already added several albums and songs to my wish list on iTunes and will start downloading soon. In the mean time, I have been looking for a good holder/arm band for my iPod so I can use it while working out. I haven't found a lot out there for the 5th gen nano yet, but I am still looking. So, thanks hunny! I LOVE it and plan on wearing it out!

Let me go back for a second. I lied when I said that I haven't asked for anything this birthday. I asked for the new nursery to be finished finally and this past weekend the huz, my dad, and my step-father-in-law came over and got it finished. Thank you SOOOOO much! It has been a good thing for me and for Monkey to have her own playroom now. It will be a good thing for Mouse to have a room with her sister in the next week or two when she grows out of the basinet. (She is growing like a weed!!!!!)

So, thank you everyone for everything that you do. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart! And, so far, 30's not that bad.

Wordless Wednesday.....It's too quiet in here

2010-02-03T08:50:00.000-06:00

One day I realized that it was just a litle too quiet in the house so I went searching for Monkey....

And this is what I found!

She apparently felt the need to hide from me while eating the crackers she stole from the snack shack (aka pantry). Notice that she is still in her PJs. It was right after she got done eating breakfast. I swear she tries to make people think that I starve her half to death!

Long Lost Love

2010-02-02T09:31:00.000-06:00

I have a love in my life that has just recently returned. By recently, I mean last night. I have been missing this love for almost 3 years now. This long lost love is Roller Derby.

That's right folks, I have ~~delusions~~ dreams of being a roller girl. I was a newbie with the Arch Rival Roller Girls in 2007. Then I got preggo with Monkey after 3 long years of trying. I left my dreams behind to be a mommy. No complaints here, just dreams that went unanswered for awhile. When I had my chance to go back for tryouts last year some rather unfortunate events took place involving Monkey and I couldn't return. Now after having Mouse, I am still happy to be a SAHM. It is the best for me and for them. I am no longer miserable in a job that I hated and I feel ~~almost~~ confident that they are being properly taken care of. However, there has been something missing for the past 3 years. Derby was it.

It is really hard to explain to people who don't get it. I LOVED skating when I was younger and was good. I had always missed skating, but thought I would look stupid going to the skating rink as a grown adult and trying to hang with the kiddos. Then I read an article in our local paper about Derby. It got me totally pumped. I looked up their information and found out that they usually have a few people at a local rink a certain night a week so you can ask questions. I mulled it over for weeks and weeks before I actually decided to go. I was like a little school girl again. I was SO nervous thinking that I wouldn't be anything near what they were looking for. I mean, hello, one glimpse of me and you would never say Roller Girl. I'm not fit or thin or Derby. I was there for a whole hour before I worked up the nerve to actually talk to the girl who was there from ARRG. The huz went with me just to help boost my confidence, which didn't really help. Then, I talked to her and she was SUPER nice and gave me information on when and where practices were. The next week began my love affair with Roller Derby. I LOVED it and I loved the girls. I've never had a lot of girl friends and getting to hang out with the bravest, smartest, and best girls I have ever met was great. I've missed them.

So, I took the plunge last night and went to info night and signed up to try out for the team again. I have the next 3 Mondays of Booty camp where I am sure my ass will be handed to me more times than not by the hard, wooden floor that we skate on. Then, the monday after that (the 4th monday) I will have try outs. I honestly don't know what to expect for try outs. I would LOVE to say "I've got this, I am totally going to rock and make the team", however I am realistic. I haven't been on skates in almost 2 years. Save Halloween this year when I was dressed up as a roller girl while 8 months preggo. :) Yes, I am a freak.

Now I think Jillian Michaels and I are going to have to get close again. I have taken ~~far too many~~ a few days off and I have no one to blame but myself. I am also finding myself a little more conscious of my health and different ways to switch up my workouts to keep myself interested. For example, I went to the store the other night to get curtain rods for the new nursery (which is finally done!!!!) and I picked up a Shape magazine. I also happened to purchase a New Moon sky bar and a heart shaped Reeces Peanutbutter cup. Don't judge. I am sure the cashier was thinking "Wow, look at that fat ass trying to convince people she is getting in shape by throwing in a magazine with this junk". I have one thing to say to her "I have no regrets!"

So, Jillian Michaels and I will continue our hate/hate relationship and I will keep you posted on whether I make the team or not.

Survey Time

2010-01-31T18:35:00.000-06:00

I borrowed this from Lori over at Peterson St. Louis. I thought that it was neat so I thought that I would post mine.

1. Grab the nearest book to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4. What does it say?

"opportunities to gather in groups to share, laugh,"

- Party with a purpose - Pat Pearson, M.S.S.W.

2. Before you started this survey what were you doing?

Adding bleach to our crappy dishwasher and reading blogs

3. With the exception of the computer what can you hear?

The T.V. and the men folk discussing what the next step is for finishing the new nursery. (FINALLY!!!!)

4. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

Last night. We came home from playing Warhammer 40K at a friends house.

5. Do you usually remember your dreams?

Yes...

6. When did you last laugh?

This afternoon.

7. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

A Currier & Ives clock, a thai inspirations wall sconce from PartyLite, and a key holder.

8. What is the last film you saw?

Legion

9. If you moved to another state where would you go?

I would choose florida

10. Tell me something about you that most people don't know.

I can twitch my nose like Samantha from Bewitched. (Much better than Nicole Kidman EVER did in the movie ramake IMHO)

11. Do you like to dance?

Not really, but onlybecuase I can't.

12. Would you ever consider living abroad?

If I could choose the destination, yes.

13. What is the last thing you downloaded on your computer?

The ducky border for the previous post.

14. Type of music you like most?

Depends on my mood. I typically listen to a lot of different things as evidence by my music player on this page.

15. Type of music you dislike most?

I think that it might be called Death Metal.

16. Are you listening to music right now?

No.

17. If you could change something about your home what would it be?

Get a basement, remodel the kitchen, remodel the back room, Create a mudroom

18. What was the last thing you bought?

Coconut M&M's and a diet root beer

19. Have you ever driven a motorcycle?

No.

20. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

No!

21. Do you have a garden?

No, the dogs would dig it up. I want one SO bad though.

22. Do you really know all the words to the National Anthem?

Absolutely

23. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

I am SOOOO tired!!! Why couldn't (insert Monkey or Mouse here) have slept in?

24. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?

Dead - Brandon Lee

Alive - Fergie or Taylor Swift

25. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

Probably the Contaier Store or Pier One.

26. What time is bedtime?

For Monkey, 8:30p.m. Me: Whenever Mouse decides she is ready for bed...typically 11:30.

27. How many tattoos do you have?

One and looking for more.

28. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one?

See above

29. Who was the last person you ate dinner with?

The Huz

30. Is the glass half empty or half full?

Depends on the day

31. Are you a good cook?

Oh, God no! I would like to say that I am learning though.

32. Do you know how to pump your own gas?

Yes. Though, the huz does it for me whenever we are together.

33. Do you touch type?

If that means typing without looking at the keys, then yes. If it doesn't, then I have no clue!

34. What time do you get up?

Depends on Monkey and Mouse. Sometimes 3:00, something 4:30, then almost always at 6:30 or 7:00am. All after going to bed at 11:30 or later!!!!

35. What is your favorite time of the day?

Nap Time!

36. Where did you grow up?

Three tiny towns in MO

37. How far do you live from there now?

I actually still live in one of them

38. What are some of the different types of jobs you've had in your life?

Dispatcher & 911 Operator, Pricing Administrator, Fireworks Technician, Waitress, Pharmacy Tech, E.M.T., SAHM

39. What is most important in life?

Family

Who, What, Why?

2010-01-29T08:07:00.000-06:00

So, since I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open this AM, I thought I would just write down a few of the crazy things that happen to go through my head at any given time.

Why does Mouse only wake up in the middle of the night when it is my night to take her?

I have often wondered what babies dream about. Especially when they have a little half smile and one hand or foot twitches. Do they dream of being back in the womb or of giant bottles? Will we ever know?

I was absolutely insane to even attempt Level 2 on the Shred last night after 2 days off! Not that I got through the entire thing, but still. I feel it!

Who designed the roads and what drugs were they taking? Does anyone who has this job in MO know how to even draw a straight line?

Why doesn't my husband understand that not only do I want a Dyson, but he needs the Dyson? For his allergies. That's my story and I am sticking to it!

I wonder if the moles have learned to stay away from my backyard this coming summer. The dogs would be upset, but my yard would suffer less.

"Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, Go! Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Go! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, Go! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, Go! Hooold stiiiillll."

I really need to dust the top of the entertainment center. The kids are both sleeping so now would be a great opportunity. I'd have to use the stool O death to do it though. What would happen to the girls the rest of the day if said stool did finally kill me? No one would find me until 10pm or later tonight! Nope, not going to dust today!

Why do we keep the stool O death?

Wordless Wednesday....First Haircut

2010-01-27T12:20:00.002-06:00

These pictures are of Monkey's first real haircut. I say real because the haircut was a result of getting a bad haircut at the ER the night before. She had fallen at my mom's house (which she STILL feels terrible about) and needed three stitches just behind the hair line on the top of her head. Aunt Meaghie came over and cut her hair while she was occupied with Oreos and Nick Jr.

She actually did very well considering she was up until 3am screaming from her fear of Dr's and having to get the stitches. That is why she was still in her jammies. We decided that it was a good day to make it a PJ day. I shouldn't have been surprised that after getting her haircut she looked exaclty like the huz did when he was her age. If my scanner wasn't protesting again, I would post his picture so you could compare. Maybe after I beat up on it a bit, I can update with his pic!

Container City

2010-01-26T22:14:00.001-06:00

Some time ago I heard about a city in Mexico that was using old shipping containers as low cost apartments for lower income families. At the time I was interested, but didn't look further into it. Today I found a link to the Container City website and found myself completely fascinated by what I saw. When I originally heard of this concept I thought that it was a good idea, but wondered how it would be to actually live inside a shipping container. Wouldn’t it be a little depressing? How would they do windows, doors, etc? This site showed me the answer to my questions.

I think that it is absolutely amazing that they have built entire communities using nothing but old shipping containers. Some of them don’t even look like containers when they are done. It seems to be something that has been much more popular in London than it is here. I don’t know why the U.S. hasn’t caught onto this trend, but I think it would be a great way to not only provide an alternative to cookie cutter living spaces, but to be green at the same time. Things like this just amaze me.

I always wonder what kind of imagination the people who come up with ideas like this had as children. I know that my imagination now is nowhere near a place where I could look at an old shipping container and think “I bet people could live there.” I totally want to go take a tour of one of the container cities now. (Guess I should inform the huz that I want to take a vacation to Mexico or London)

I am also amazed by Kit homes. I’m a dork, I know it. Don’t judge. Just accept it and move on.

Disappointing

2010-01-25T23:28:00.000-06:00

I measured myself last night with the huz's help and was thoroughly disappointed. I was even more disappointed by my weight this a.m. I half expected to see no change at all, but what I saw was disheartening. All of my numbers went up save 1 which could have been a simple error in measurement when we started. Even my weight went up 2.9 pounds. This may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. It makes me think that I am doing something very wrong. A lot of people will say "Well, muscle weighs more than fat." Well, those people don't understand that I am a big enough girl that even if I am gaining muscle, I should be losing weight. It made me want to stop, but thanks to a dear friend of mine who I wish I got to see more, I didn't. She gave me a few pointers on what to eat and just some encouragement which I needed after seeing such disappointing numbers.

So, I stuck with it and did day 8. I feel a little bit like I am becoming a failure only after just a week because I have to stop more now than I did when I first started. Shouldn't I be getting better and having more and more endurance? Most of it is because I am getting this horrid cramp on the outside of my shins/ankles right above the knobby bone. It is a killer! For those of you that need a visual:

I used to get it right when I started skating again. If I didn't stop and try to work it out, it would eventually pull all the way up my leg to my knee. It's frustrating to say the least. So, I think that if I don't find a good pair of shoes soon, I might have to make the 30 day Shred into something that is going to last a little longer. We will see. For now I am going to do my best to stick with it.

30 Day Shred

2010-01-24T22:38:00.000-06:00

Today is day 7 of the 30 day shred for me. I have to tell you that I am seeing no difference what so ever yet. Aside from a slight increase in endurance. I am sure that this is because of how out of shape I truly am. However, I am still motivated. I want to be thin and fit. I need to get into shape for my sake and the sake of the girls. We are going to do measurements tonight and weight in the AM. I will let you know if there is any difference in those, but I'm not sure that I have been doing it long enough for a difference there either.

I have been working out for 7 days without wearing shoes and my bad knee is starting to feel it. I have one pair of shoes that ~~are~~ were great. I've had them for at least 3 years. I have a very hard time picking out shoes. I have only ever had good luck with Reeoks, but would be willing to try anything but Nikes. I tear Nikes up like nobody's business. If anyone has any good suggestions on good shoes, please let me know. Also if anyone has any good ideas for helping to trim the calories here or there while still being toddler friendly, I would gladly accept the pointers. My insurance is having a nutritionist call me due to my status as borderline diabetic. I am in denial that I have full blown diabetes. So is my Dr. I think that this is going to be great, but they said it could take up to a week for her to call me when I talked to the nurse on Friday.

We have yet to sit down and plan out the menu for our venture into Menu planning even though I keep "suggesting" that we need to. If we don't talk about it by Tuesday, I am planning it myself which I hate to do. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you will know that I am not a cook. The huz does all of the cooking. My cooking repertoire extends to baking a turkey, White Castle stuffing, Chili, and hot wing dip. Not the best items, but at least I can do a few things. Though, not enough to start doing a weekly meal plan.

Also, today is Mouse's 2 month birthday. It is so hard to believe that my Christmas baby turned thanksgiving baby is already 2 months old. Of course, in 6 days I will be saying the same thing about my little monkey. She will be 20 months. Time flies when they are little and I am so blessed to be able to be a SAHM.

Good-Bye for now

2010-01-22T22:49:00.000-06:00

I learned late last night that my husbands Step-Grandmother passed away. While it is a sad event, it was time for her to move on. She was no longer living the life she wanted to live. Nor was it a life that her family wanted her to live. However, she left this world on her terms. Much like my grandma did. She decided when it was her time (though she had voiced her opinion about it being her time many many times before. :) ) Now she is at peace and can do a much better job at watching over us all.

I had only been in her life for the past 11 years or so, but she was special to me. She was very sweet and could be quite sassy. She was also one of those grandmas that you never knew what she was going to say. She liked to keep people guessing. It was always a joy to see her at family gatherings. As she started to get less and less steady on her feet, I would always try to help with moving her and she would always tell me "Jeannie, you're so sweet". Little did she know that I didn't do it because I was trying to be sweet. I did it because it is in my blood. Helping people is in every fiber of my being. It's what I do. It is what I have been trained to do and it just happens automatically. Helping her with such a small task as sitting in a chair at Christmas was my pleasure. I may not be good at much, but I am good at that and it meant a lot that she knew it.

I regret that she never got to meet Autumn. For some reason I have this weird thing where I think that it is very important for grandparents and great grandparents to meet new children. I don't know if I am hoping that their years of wisdom will rub off on the baby or if they will pass on some secret code that will tell them how to live a fulfilling life. I know that she can see her now, but it's not the same.

Grandma Rose, thank you for letting me into your life for a brief moment. You touched my heart and I will always remember you. Please watch over us as you wait to meet with us again. I, selfishly, must as one or two more favors of you. Please hold Ember's donor angle close to you and whisper sweet songs of joy in his/her ear. Tell her angel that we love her/him. Also, if you see my Grandma Hill, tell her I love her. Until we meet again....I love you. We love you.

30 Day Shred...day 4

2010-01-21T21:35:00.001-06:00

It is already day 4 of the 30 Day Shred and as you have probably already guessed, I am not dead. However, I am fairly certain that I will be any moment now.

I really do think that I am making at least a little bit of progress endurance wise. (It's either that or the many times I had to stop last night to give little mouse back her paci. Yes, she uses a paci - don't judge me) I actually made it through the first two sets on jumping jacks!!! For the first time ever without stopping. Again, I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about this. Though, I did have to stop several other times for fear of my lungs bursting. Even as I am sitting here typing, my arms are shaking begging me for mercy and I LOVE it. Am I a glutton for punishment or what?

It's just that I can feel that this is actually making my body work and it's great. It is the first time in a long time that this has happened for me. I don't even think I hurt this bad when I started derby not so many years ago. Though, let me tell you rink rash hurts worse that this ever could. Especially when it leaves the fishnet stocking imprint on your but cheek. OW!

Tomorrow is going to be a full day and we will be out of the house for most of it. Yay! We have to go to Children's, then to Sam's for formula, then maybe to the mall for a nice little stroll. After the huz gets home we eat and then I work out. It seems to work a little better if I do it at night rather than in the middle of the day. We are also going to work on doing Menu Planning this weekend. Thanks so much to Lori for suggesting it. I am excited to see how it works for us.

Wordless Wednesday....Just like daddy

2010-01-20T22:49:00.000-06:00

A little late, but at least I am here.

These pictures were taken a few weeks ago.

This is the little girl who refuses to wear a hat for more than 15 minutes at a time. She asked to have the bandanna put on her head and she love it.

Now if you put one on her, she will wear it for a few hours at a time. She has also started to wear the cute little crocheted hat that I bought her.

Oh! And I did the Shred for today too. I am going to go die now.

30 Day Shred...day 2

2010-01-19T21:40:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up with some soreness in my legs. I thought to myself that I was feeling pretty good and glad that I was going to be able to move throughout the day. Ha! I feel asleep in the chair this morning after Ember got up for about 30 minutes. When I woke up, I realized that my abs and sides were sore. Let me say that again....my ABS are sore!! I didn't even think I had abs underneath this belly! And this was after only the first day! I can't even begin to explain to you how excited this made me. I have never, EVER done a workout that has made my abs hurt. Not even when I was hardcore into sports in high school. To me, this means that it is actually giving me a workout. While I am so very excited about this, I am also VERY sore. As the day progressed I felt myself getting slower and stiffer and hurting more and more as I moved. I knew this was going to happen, but it still hurts! Ugh

As much as I didn't want to because of how sore I am, I did the workout again today. I am sure that I ended up stopping more this time than I did yesterday, but it felt good to work all of my sore muscles. That is, until about two hours ago when I realized that I can't walk down the two steps into the garage. Yes, walking down stairs is much harder than walking up then right now. You use a whole different set of muscles and when they are sore, they sure as hell let you know it. I am motivated at this point in time to keep this going. In the first part of the DVD, I always have to stop in the middle of the jump rope part. It is just too much on my feet and shins. I REALLY don't want to end up with shin splints. I had them a lot in track and it was hell. Well, when you get to the end of the DVD, you do 2 minutes of cardio. This includes the jump rope part. Yesterday I didn't stop because I wanted to prove I could do it and I did the same today. I don't know if by then I am worked up enough to push myself or what, but it feels like such an accomplishment to make it through those 30 seconds of torture!

I would agree with anyone that tells me that Jillian Michaels is a master at torture. However, after the results I received after just one 20 minute session I would also have to thank her. If this continues, I can see how this could truly help me. Now, the diet is another story. I really need to work on it, but it is just going to have to wait until it is time to go grocery shopping again. Not a lot of healthy stuff in the house right now. I had pizza for lunch and and then a little later had a small pouch of Ember's fruit snacks. Just before dinner I ate a bag of baked Cheetos's and then had a piece of pizza. I was SO hungry. The huz did fix me a great dinner though. It is actually a Weight Watcher's recipe. It is a modification of hot wings where you use chicken breasts, cut them up into strips, and then use hot sauce on them. They are actually pretty good. Especially for someone who LOVES hot wings. He also made this whole grain rice mix that was pretty good. It was only 3 carb choices for me. (45 carbs total for the whole meal) Oh! I also only had three diet sodas today. Usually I have a bazillion and one throughout the day. I guess that is progress.

Now, we will see how I feel tomorrow. They always say that the third day is the worst. Let's hope. In one of my more pain filled moments the huz said "Hey, you only have 28 more days to go." At that moment I wanted to jump on him like a spider monkey and just smack him! However, my sore thighs told me that this was not an option. So, I politely told him to shut it. :) He loves me. He knows it. hehe

30 Day Shred...day 1

2010-01-18T22:33:00.000-06:00

I stayed up until 2:30a.m. this morning just thinking about how far I have let myself go. The whole thing started with trying to figure out what I could do to help myself start getting into better shape. I looked up on YouTube a bunch of videos for the 30 Day Shred and the P90 workout. What I found was TONS of before and after videos. It amazed me at how well some people had done and then it got me thinking about whether it really would work for me or not. It got me thinking about whether I could actually do it or not. It just got me thinking about what I wanted to do about myself. I mean, my 19 month old daughter lifts up my shirt, pokes my belly, and then laughs when it jiggles. It didn't bother me when I didn't admit it to anyone. In talking with the huz yesterday, it came up and I just wanted to cry. I didn't know it effected me that much. So, last night/this morning wasn't fun or pretty. It was me in full blown self loathing. A little less than a good night's sleep helped me come to a decision I am hoping will change my life.

So, I sent out a tweet and a status on facebook asking if anyone knew what would be better to do, the P90 system or the 30 Day Shred. Then, low and behold, my step mother in law said that she actually had the 30 day shred DVD. So, right then and there the decision was made. Why not try the one that I don't have to buy? I had watched several snippets of both systems on-line and still didn't know if I could really do it or not. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that this was it. This needed to be it. Around 2PM I made the huz go over and pick it up because I knew that if I didn't decide to start now, it wouldn't happen. So, today was officially day 1......

And today is the day that I realized that Jillian Michaels and her workout might kill me rather than make me thin. OMG!! I was jelly legged 1/3 of the way through the 20 minutes. I knew that I was out of shape, but good lord! I had to stop several times throughout the video, but I was determined to at least finish. Which, I did. One of the main problems I had was that my feet started cramping when I had my shoes on. Once I took them off, they gradually got better. I am not really sure why they do that, though I have a feeling that it is simply my weight. I also had an issue with the fact that when I jumped up and down my flab was very distracting. I'm a big girl and the belly is not a fun thing when jumping.

One of the other issues I had is that I kept moving to one side or the other when doing jumping jacks. If we had a large space for me to do this in, this wouldn't be a problem. However, I have almost no space. I kept running into the couch, worrying about hitting the ceiling fan with my hands, and running into the hubby who was sitting in the chair behind me. I was very nervous doing this in front of him, but the baby needed to be fed and I needed to start right then and there, so he got the full view. Once I was done with the workout, I was so shaky and jelly armed/legged that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get Ember out of her crib after nap time. Luckily she woke up before the huz had to leave for his evening job.

I did take the day 1 pictures (which are NOT going to be posted yet - I'm working up to it, just give me time) and weighed myself. We are also getting ready to do my measurements. I am truly hoping that this is going help. I'm not sure whether it will or not since I am not sure how to change my diet completely. So, we will see. I will check in tomorrow to let you know how I feel. Probably VERY sore. I can already feel myself starting to tighten up.

As far as today goes, I lived. There's always tomorrow. :)

Others choose to be victors....

2010-01-14T22:14:00.000-06:00

I logged onto Facebook today to see one of my friends post a game in their status. The idea was simple enough. Grab the book that was sitting nearest to you, no searching for your favorite book, just the one closest. Once you grab it, flip to page 56 and read down to the 5th sentence and post it in your status. Mine was "Others choose to be victors." It kind of intrigued me. How do you choose to be a victor? I mean really, how does someone choose victory over things? Is it just the simple process of making it through a situation that makes you victorious? Is it coming out on top? Or is it realizing that you have become wiser?

Someone much smarter than I am must have the answers to these questions. It's not really a secret that I have a hard time believing in myself. A lot of the time it really only has to do with my body image. It's also no secret that I am on the larger side of the female population and I am sure that this has a lot to do with that image. I never feel like I am as large as I am until I see a picture of myself, go shopping, or hear someone who is impossibly skinny talk about how fat they are. It kind of makes me think, "Wow...if they think they are fat, I must be grotesque." I have always felt this way. Even when I was thin. Man........was I ever thin and beautiful?! (Really not trying to brag, but compared to now that is what I see)

Even though I have a hard time believing in myself, I have always tried to do a better job of it. I never really got the hang of it. I know that most of the people that know me would say that I am very confident. And I try to be on the outside, but inwardly I'm not. Inwardly I constantly think about what people think of me or how they perceive me. It's such a vicious cycle. I have started to get over this VERY little by little. I have started to recognize things that I can and cannot change. I am also trying to learn how to look past these feelings. It is very hard for me, but I truly want to be in that "Others" group whoever they may be. I want to be a victor rather than a failure.

I have a few big decisions, that may or may not make it to the blog, to make over the next few days and I truly want to choose to be victorious. In doing so, I have been trying to take steps towards changing my body image. That includes trying to exercise. Whether it just be that extra trip up and down the hallway while I am at home with the girls or trying to get over to my parents house to use the Wii Fit. (Sorry Wii Fit trainer, I have been lax the past week. The girls and I have been sick! Please don't yell at me!) I have also started read motivational and inspirational material. This is something that I've never really done before. I never thought that it was for me. However, I think that it is helping me find more of the inner peace that I need to stay committed to certain things. Including housework and trying to lose weight. Which, ultimately will help me to improve my body image.

So, if you are part of this "Others" group, please let me know how you did it. I'd love to learn. I would like to say that I am going to choose to be a victor, but I don't know quite how. For now, I will just say that I am going to try my hardest.

Wordless Wednesday...When I look down...

2010-01-13T11:10:00.000-06:00

......I see her.

Looking up at me. :)

She likes it when I wear her.

Normal revisited...

2010-01-12T21:17:00.000-06:00

I was recently reading through a bunch of old posts that I had made on Ember's old CaringBridge site and came across one that I feel needs to be revisited. For those of you that don't know what CaringBridge is, click here to find out.

The post that I am talking about was titled Normal and it can be found here.

Since Autumn has been born, pleople have asked me if she is a normal baby or if she is having any problems like Ember had. People ask me all the time how Ember is doing now and if she is normal or if our life has returned to normal again.

So, again, I find myself asking....What is normal?

Normal for us is looking into those beautiful eyes and not seeing one ounce of yellow.

Normal is a round belly just because some babies actually have round bellies.

Normal is still checking her temperature constantly because she feels warm even though she doesn't have a fever.

Normal for Ember is going to Children's once a month for labs to make sure LuLu the liver is still happy.

Normal is not having to see the liver team for 6 months.

Normal is knowing that my baby isn't sick anymore, but she still has the potential to become very sick, very quickly.

Normal is 1 medication in the morning and two at night without a fight.

Normal is knowing that Ember is stronger than anyone I have ever met.

Normal is newborn jaundice with levels that were actually higher than Ember's ever were.

Normal is still love. Even more love than I thought I could ever feel.

Normal is still fear. Even more fear than I thought I could ever feel.

Normal is two happy, healthy babies to brighten the day.

Normal is calling the pediatrician and liver team a bazillion times in the course of two days because one of both of the girls is sick just to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

Even though Ember's scars are healed and covered up, I know they are still there.

Normal is still feeling my heart break for all liver babies, especially those that have been called away.

Normal is waiting for Autumn to turn 11 weeks. One more day than Ember was when she had her first surgery.

Normal is praying and hoping beyond all hope that my second baby will never, ever have to go through anything like what her sister has gone through. Yet, praying that she will find it in her heart to be just as sweet and compassionate.

Normal is wondering what milestones will come for Autumn before, at the same time, or after they came for Ember.

Normal is wondering if this baby will crawl before she walks because she won't have an enlarged liver or spleen to stop her.

Normal is the shock of how emotional I was in November when talking to people about Ember's transplant anniversary. Especially in front of a large group of Partylite consultants.

Normal is watching my two babies create a silent bond that even I, as their mommy, will never be able to understand.

Normal is still talking about poo.

Normal is most definitely waiting. Waiting for Autumn to grow into a little person. Waiting for Ember to discover something new and exciting. Waiting for my girls to become the best of friends...I think I am starting to like this whole waiting thing.

Normal is still being strong and determined, but now it is to guide them both through this life. Being strong and determined to help them turn into strong, beautiful, and compassionate people.

Normal is two beautiful smiles that brighten my day no matter how bad it is. Normal is absolutely not what I expected.

So, is Autumn a normal baby? Is Ember a normal baby now? No, my girls are extraordinary babies. Is our life normal again? It always has been normal. Again, it may not meet your definition of normal, but it meets ours.

Dear Fat Cat, I love you, I hate you....

2010-01-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

Dear Binks,
You know that I love you. You know that I like to curl up in the chair with a cover and have you curl up with me. You are so warm and cuddly. However, there are times when I just can't help but hate you. Here are a few examples as to why we have this love/hate relationship...

Why must you try to sleep between your father and I when you know that you are just going to get kicked out of bed? You don't need covers. You don't even like covers so why steal them in the middle of the night?

The dogs are not new. They have been here for at least 6 years. So, why, bedtime (every night) do you always make one or both of them try to "get" you from the confines of their cage? It only forces you to run down the hall at break neck speed like you are running for your life. Did I mention that the dogs were in cages?

Need I remind you that you are 19 pounds? You could stand to use a few so please, please, please do not meow incessantly when the clock strikes 9:30p.m. on the dot. Trust me, you are not going to starve to death if you don't get food in your bowl until 9:35p.m.! Speaking of feeding time, what is up with the drinking of the water? Why, oh why can't you drink water from YOUR water bowl? It is new, fresh water. You watched me fill the bowl! Please refrain from meowing at me at 6A.M. because above mentioned dogs have not been let out yet just so you can drink from their water bowls. And especially please STOP licking the spout of the humidifier that just so happens to be right outside the bedroom door! Especially at 3a.m.!!! When the house is quiet it sounds like someone is trying to get in the kitchen window.

While there are many more items I could suggest, I thought we could start small and work or way up to bigger, better things.

Now, if you could please listen to these few ~~demands~~ suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it and love you even more than I did before.

Sincerely,
Your fairly annoyed, yet loving owner

Always Infinity, I love you!

2010-01-10T21:20:00.000-06:00

****Warning: Discussion of Lady bits and that time of the month below. Avert your eyes if you are squeamish****

As of this past week I have officially starting having periods again. Can I just express again how much I HATE this part of being a woman? It just makes me wish I was preggo again. I LOVE not having a period! Not to mention that I actually don't mind being preggo, but that isn't something that is in the plans again, at least not for awhile. Anyway, I am back to the routine of feeling gross and having aching lady bits for 4-5 days every month or so. I say "or so" because since I have PCOS and had fertility problems when trying to get preggo with Ember, I don't know if I will commune with Mother Nature once a month or every three months again. So, we will wait and see.

Anyway, awhile back I discovered this great product made by Always. It is called the Always Infinity pad. Let me tell you, these things are amazing!!!! If you have a heavy period all of the time like I do, these are for you. I don't know what this infinicil stuff that these things are made out of is exactly, but it is worth it's weight in gold!!! I can't remember a time when I didn't have trouble wearing a pad or tampon. They would last an hour tops and I would have to change. It is just horrible for me. So, you can see why (on top of many, many other reasons) I hate this time of the month. Mother Nature truly is a cruel, mean woman! These pads are lifesavers. I no longer feel like I have to constantly run to the bathroom to check for leaks.

I do have to say that I actually turn them around to wear them though. I use the back as the front because that is where I tend to have most of my "flow". I don't know if it is because I am a plus sized girl or what, but for some reason the back never needs to be the widest. I can tell you that I use the overnights all day long just because my flow is that heavy. Since I have found these pads, I feel a little more normal during my time with Mother Nature. They are SUPER thin too. It really doesn't even feel like I am even wearing a pad most of the time. I can't express enough how great this is for me. I highly encourage anyone who needs that little bit of extra protection to try this product.

I was going to link to the free sample on the Always website for anyone who was interested, but due to such high demand they are not giving them out right now. However, you can still follow the link to the Always site and sign up for their newsletter. Just click on the Try it free button and you will be directed to the newsletter sign up. It gives you exclusive samples and coupons which is a great deal too. I am always in the market for coupons. Plus, it is not just for the Always products. It is for other items that Procter & Gamble makes as well. I know that I am always looking for deals and coupons on products so I thought I would share the love.

My love affair with Partylite

2010-01-08T21:58:00.000-06:00

As most of you know, I started selling Partylite products in late June. I can't express enough how much I love, love, love their products. They are both functional and elegant. Their fragrances never cease to please. If I could, I would completely redecorate my entire house to incorporate just about every piece of Partylite I could. Right now, that's not an option, but I hope that it will be one day. The new catalog for Partylite delivers just as much promise as I hoped it would. The big plus is that there are a lot of purple and complimenting silver items. Purple is absolutely my most favorite color ever. I think that it is complimented very well with silver so I am excited about the new product. Not to mention the new Two Sister's Gourmet line! I am in love with their Snickerdoodle Sweet Cheese Ball Mix!

I do feel some sort of accomplishment that I have my own business. This is something that is mine and I will only get out of it what I put into it. I am very pleased that I can work when I want to rather than when I have to. It fits my schedule. Especially with staying home with the girls and with Matt working so much. It has been a great help to our family so far as well. I know that people are always waiting for the catch, but with Partylite there truly isn't one. It is free to start (major bonus for me since I was not working when I started selling) and they sell quality products. Through Partylite I have also met some wonderful and inspirational people. I know that it is helping me to be both a better person and better at my business.

I absolutely love to give back to people. Ask anyone who knows me and they will, hopefully, tell you that it's true too. The opportunity to sell Partylite is the single most rewarding thing that I can offer anyone. Especially someone who is struggling to make ends meet. I know that it may seem hard or scary or time consuming, but it's all worth it. Plus it's not hard or time consuming. It was a bit scary at first because I do get a bit self conscious standing up in front of people talking, but once you start getting your paychecks, it becomes fun! I mean, where else can you make $800 to $1,000 a month for working just about 12 to 18 hours?!!! Plus there are all kinds of incentives that I always try to take advantage of. I have received some great product for free!!!! I can't imagine working with a better group of people or a better company. Here's to a great, candle, and food filled 2010! If you need anything at all, I'm your girl!

I have posted a few pictures of some of my favorite items right now.

Weathered Zinc Lantern

Amethyst Hurricane

Hammered Silver 3-Wick Holder

Welcoming Autumn Therese

2009-12-09T22:47:00.000-06:00

Yesterday would have been the day that Autumn was to be born. However, she had other plans by way of being a lazy lazy baby. As a result of her laziness, she came into the world at 37 weeks 1 day on November 24. I went to the Dr on Monday, the 23rd, and we discussed what might happen on the day she was born due to my gestational diabetes. It did worry me that she might have to go to the NICU because my sugar was nowhere near as under control this time as it was with Ember. However, he reassured me that she might end up being just fine and we would have no complications at all.

Tuesday the 24th, I went to my regular monitoring appointment at the hospital. Almost every time I went for monitoring (twice weekly) I would have to have what is called a Biophysical profile performed. Basically it is an ultrasound that can take up to 30 minutes and they just sit and watch the baby practice breathe and then they watch for different types of movements. And so it was the same with this appointment. She did not pass the non stress part (just sitting on the monitor watching for heartbeat accelerations) so I went for the bio. She did not pass that either. She was truly being a lazy baby. She did the breathing just fine, but wasn't moving much at all. So, they admitted me for additional monitoring.

Right after that, my dr came in and we talked for a few minutes and he said that he really didn't think anything was wrong with her, but he couldn't be for sure. He said that he would feel badly about sending me home only for me to come back in a few hours if something really was wrong. So, he said that he thought that delivering right then and there was a good idea. He said that he was working on getting me in to an OR and he would be back. So, it was a scramble after that to notify all of the parents. It was a little scary because she was going to be so early. I realize that 37 weeks is not THAT early, but it is early enough to effect lung development.

The hubby arrived at 12:30 and by then they were almost ready to do my epidural. So, we did the epidural. Once again it took awhile for me to get numb, but I did get numb. :) At 2:00PM we went into the OR and by 2:22PM Autumn Therese was born. She was 7lbs 7oz and 19 3/4 inch long. She is absolutely beautiful! She did not have any issues at all and did not have to go to the NICU. We have once again been blessed. SO, rather than having a Christmas baby, we had a Thanksgiving baby.

I have posted a few pictures of her below. She did get a little jaundiced, but it was the normal newborn jaundice. It was a little unnerving, but I knew that even if something were to be wrong with her liver as well, we would be in good hands with Ember's liver team. Having her home has been wonderful also. She is just as lazy at home as she was before she was born. She likes to eat and she LOVES her sleep. (a little girl after my own heart!) Ember has also taken to her wonderfully. She is a great big sister! She hugs and kisses her all the time. It is so sweet. I am the luckiest mommy in the world to have two beautiful baby girls in my life. I don't know what I did in my past lives, but I must have done something right to deserve them. I only hope that I can live up to my end of the bargain and be what they deserve as well.

Nesting has just hit home!

2009-11-04T14:39:00.000-06:00

So...at 34 weeks and 2 days (though I was convinced yesterday and the day before I was only 33 weeks! How did I lose a week?!!!) my husband will be happy to know that nesting overload has just hit home! Seriously people, I am crazy. I must be. That is the only thing that explains the craziness that just took place at my house today.

This morning Ember got picked up by Granny Franny so I decided to vacuum up her Cheerios that were all over the front room yet again. No big deal. Well, I saw dust cats flowing down the hall and thought to myself..."Hmm...the vacuum has a bare floor setting, I wonder if it will work on the hall." I saw dust cats because bunnies would be such an understatement. These things are as big as a normal size cat. I guess that is what you get when you have a 19 pound, long haired cat running around. Anyway, I proceeded to vacuum the hallway.

We have a hardwood hallway!!!!!!! Not only did I vacuum the hallway, but I brought out the attachment and sucked up all of the dirt in the crevices and all along the baseboards. I even vacuumed the legs of the table and stools in our hallway! The thought even crossed my mind to vacuum the kitchen. Then I thought to myself "Nah...it's alright for now. Just get a broom later, after lunch and rest and things will be fine."

Well, lunch came and went. I sat and rested for a little bit and then after the 5th bathroom run in about 2 hours I couldn't stand it any longer! The dogs hair around the cages got to me, the cob webs that were in the bathroom got to me. The bathroom of all places people! So, I proceeded to vacuum the bathroom, backroom, and kitchen. I even swiffered and vacuumed the wall behind the dog cages people! I have completely LOST my ever loving mind.

Seriously, who does that?! Who vacuums a wall?! (Aside from the people at one of my old jobs. That was a must. Carpet on the walls, such a bad idea!) Crazy people! That's who! I mean seriously. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am nowhere near the happy homemaker that can keep her house clean on a daily or weekly or monthly basis. I think I am missing that gene along with the cooking gene. I've often said that I need a class in how to clean the right way. I know that no matter how hard I try to clean, it isn't clean enough. And today I think I just snapped. (Hello! I vacuumed a wall!)

I even used the swiffer wet jet in the bathroom and kitchen. Totally NOT as clean as it needs to be, but it's good enough for this second. I think that if I was confident that I could get down on the floor and get back up, I would have re-grouted the bathroom tile in the spots that came up while I was vacuuming!!! Ugh! Totally insane pregnant woman on the loose! Look out! Who knows where I might strike next!

So, honey, if you are reading this, I am sorry. I know there is a lot to do, but I think that more just got added to your list. :) Love you!

Everyone else, you now have even more proof that I am certifiable!

28 weeks, no scanner, and other stuff

2009-09-23T07:48:00.000-05:00

Well, as of right now I am 28 weeks and 2 days. The time has flown by and I am starting to get very anxious and overwhelmed by the filthiness that is my house right now. We have stuff piled everywhere since we are remodelling the closet in the new nursery as well as the closet in our bed room. I would post pictures, but I can't find my upload cord! Ugh! Yet another thing that is driving me crazy right now! I can't find anything! Anyway, once the closets get done, they will be REALLY nice. Or at least that is the plan. We are going from two small, long closets to two large walk in closets.

I know that I haven't posted any pictures of Ultrasounds in awhile either and well, that is because my printer/scanner does not have drivers yet for my O.S. I have to wait until October and hope they come out with them soon. I never realized how much I used my scanner until I didn't have it. I also have this annoying pop up that tells me constantly that a USB device is not recognized. It is talking about my scanner! Ugh!

We put together my new desk last night and it looks amazing. I am so very happy with it. I am starting to feel like I am actually getting organized and my business is legitimate. I LOVE selling Partylite. It is SO much fun and has helped us out so much. We bought the floor for the nursery with the money I earned from my first month of Partylite. WE also got my laptop, my desk, and other various odds and ends. I REALLY want this to work out so I can continue to stay home with Ember and our new little girl. I also want Matt to have to not work so many hours. He works, on average, 60 hours a week so that I can stay home. It is stressful for both of us at times, but we know it is better this way right now. Especially with another one on the way. I just want so much to finally be successful at something I try. I really think that this could be it. So, (shameless plug), if you need candles, spa items, or home decor, just let me know. You can also visit my website and have it shipped directly to you. WWW.PARTYLITE.BIZ/JMCCOY

For now, I will post one of my favorite pictures I have ever taken of Ember and continue looking for the cord to the camera.

Another girl please!

2009-08-08T09:18:00.001-05:00

That’s right! We are having another girl! This is so nice because we have so much stuff left over from Ember that she barely got to use since she was in the hospital off and on from the time she was 11 weeks until about 6 months old. It is also nice because we can put them both into the same room without having to figure out a whole new bed set for Ember. Although, we do have to remodel the room they are going to go into regardless. The huz was a little dissapointed. He wanted a boy SO bad! Even so, I know that he is going to love this little girl just as much as he loves Ember.

Right now we are in the process of painting the front room in order to turn half of it into the office for both of our computers. Then we will move on to remodeling the new nursery. New flooring, a new closet, new paint, and possibly some book shelf destruction. We will see. I will post new ultrasound pics later. I don’t have them loaded to my new laptop yet! SO excited about that!

I have been selling Partylite for over a month now and it has been VERY good for us. It has given us enough money to purchase the flooring for the nursery and to put a lot towards my new laptop! So, (shameless plug) if you need to order anything, visit my website and order away! www.partylite.biz/jmccoy

Please help if you can

2009-08-05T12:10:00.000-05:00

Please take a moment to read the story below. It is about a family who has suffered a tragic life changing event right when they should be celebrating the three new lives they brought into this world. Please help out in any way you can. Even if you simply copy and post this story to your blog in order to get the word out.

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June 15th, 2009 should have been the happiest day in Debbie and Ken’s life. After spending more than two weeks at Missouri Baptist Medical Center in St. Louis on bed rest, Debbie Martinez Goff gave birth to three healthy and beautiful babies: Kyle, Cara, and Molly. Debbie’s oldest son, Ben, 6, finally had the three siblings he had hoped to receive. Debbie and Ken were overjoyed – but their elation was short lived. As Debbie was being wheeled out of the operating room, she suffered a sudden, lethal and extremely rare delivery complication called Amniotic Fluid Embolism that resulted in cardiac arrest.

The nurses and physicians, acting immediately, brought Debbie back to life. However, the damage from this event was catastrophic to Debbie’s organs. She needs a ventilator to breathe, dialysis in place of functioning kidneys, and is fighting everyday to keep her liver functioning. She has suffered multiple cardiac arrests.

A tragic cascade of further complications has left Debbie on life support systems since that day – unable to speak, move, and most saddening – unable to care for and bond with her babies who were born 6 and 1/2 weeks premature. And her future is cloudy and uncertain. She has a tracheotomy, continues full time kidney dialysis, is still draining excess fluid from her body, receives an antibiotic for an unknown infection/excess white blood cell count, has received more than 100 units of blood, and is being prescribed antidepressants to help her deal with depression due to her condition.

The devastation from this horrible event is widespread. It has left Debbie unable to work, care and nurture her newborns together with Ken, or run a household of four young children with the unexpected expenses related to that task. Ken is obviously under unbelievable stress.
So far, Ken has relied upon the help of family and others just to “get by”. The babies are now home and are being watched in shifts. Meals are cooked and delivered by volunteers. This has allowed Ken to be at Debbie’s side around-the-clock, providing her with love and encouragement to keep the fight for her life going.

A distressing reality has begun to set in as Debbie’s family digs in for a long, long road to her recovery. It is not clear that she will ever be normal again. Any recovery will come after months of rehabilitation. It has become very clear that more in-depth assistance is required in order for Debbie and her family to survive this ordeal and be able to offer Kyle, Cara, Molly and Ben a fighting chance for a normal life.

Debbie has now been in an Intensive Care Unit for six weeks. While the medical costs are not fully known at this point, they will be huge and not even close to fully covered by insurance. And her expenses are separate from the hospital and doctor care for three premature babies, one of whom also needed a surgery following his birth. The family is working to deal with their huge, devastating financial demands as best they can. To this end, a medical expense fund has been established.

If you are able to help Debbie, Ken, Kyle, Molly and Cara, and Ben, you can make a contribution directly to:
Bank of America, Deborah M. Goff – Medical Fund
ATTN: Patti Hickey, 15115 Manchester Road Ballwin, MO 63011

From Ken and all of the family and friends of Debbie, we thank you for taking your time to read Debbie’s story and for any assistance that you may be able to offer.

My absence & an update

2009-07-02T20:14:00.000-05:00

So...I know that it has been a long time since I have really posted anything of worth. First, I thought that I should explain my initial absence. The first week was because I was busy busy busy planning a party. Between trying to get ready for it and watching miss princess, I had no time to post. The night of the party, I found out some tragic news.

My friend Heidi lost her husband. He was murdered earlier in the week at one of the properties he was renovating. After this happened I was so deeply saddened for her and lost all motivation to write about anything. Heidi is so very special to me and it broke my heart for this to have happened to her. She, of all people, did not deserve this. (Not that any does, but her especially) I did not get to help her out a lot during the time that she really really needed people, but I hope that what little I could do was enough. I still get sad for her when I think about what she is missing. Her husband was such a generous man and was so excited about their upcoming baby boy. Heidi delivered a few weeks after his murder and I am sure it was a bitter sweet moment for her. For weeks I couldn't get up the strength to post anything. Mostly because, compared to what she was going through, it would have just seemed silly. She has now moved back home to Wisconsin and I truly think that it is going to be very good for her. Especially since she has three little ones now all on her own. I miss her every day and wish her the best every night in my own silent prayers.

As for the rest of my absence, I have just been tired!!!! I don't remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Ember, but I must have been. We have had two ultrasounds so far. The first one I have already posted.

The second one is here:

Not the best, I know. We do not find out what we are having until July 28th . I am hoping for a girl simply because we already have tons of girl stuff. I KNOW that this means we are having a boy. Of course, the huz wants a boy, but we both agree that healthy is best. However, if not, we feel we can deal with whatever comes our way. We are prepared for anything. (almost)

We also have welcomed a new cousin for Ember into the family. My Bother-in-law and Sister-in-law had a beautiful baby girl May 23. Congrats to you both and welcome to parenthood! It is the best!!!!

So...not much of an update, but that is all I have motivation for right now! I hope everyone has a great holiday. We are going to go on vacation next week so I hope to post some pictures when we get back! Ta! Ta!

100 things

2009-04-30T12:24:00.000-05:00

There is a little item going around blogs so I thought I would post it here too. It is a list of 100 things and you are supposed to mark off the items that you have done. The things that I have done are in color.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (Marching and Concert band. Hey! They didn't specify)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt (helped gram cut the pieces out)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (Chipped, not really broken)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

My Junk Works....

2009-04-27T14:51:00.001-05:00

Nuff Said.....

I will post later about my abscence.

Keep your comments to yourself!

2009-03-19T12:44:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been in a store or a restaurant or a waiting room with your child and overheard someone say something about them? I'm not talking something to the effect of "Oh, how cute" or "See the baby". I am talking something that is kind of negative or downright rude. Yes, no, maybe?

Well, that happened yesterday to Ember and I. We were at the Dr's office with my mom and Ember was making noises, nothing too bad or anything. At one point during her little noise escapade, she made a few really high pitched noises with the help of grandma. (They were playing and Ember got a little excited!) NOT a big deal. Well, there was a woman and her pre-teen daughter sitting two chairs down from us. I heard her daughter ask her something, but I didn't understand her. Then I heard the woman say to her daughter, "Nothing, just making that baby show off". The tone of her voice was very judgemental.

I totally wanted to get up, walk over to her and ~~smack her~~ say, "Excuse me for having a happy baby! If you even knew what this child has been through, you wouldn't mind a high pitched squeak every once in awhile. Keep your comments about my baby to yourself!" I don't know why it bothered me so much, but it did! It was almost as if she was teaching her daughter that babies should be seen and not heard. Well, I have news for all of you out there. My baby will be seen and heard whenever she wants to. She is going to be taught that sometimes it's alright to speak up when you are not spoken to. (Among other things) If you don't like it, don't listen. However, I better not catch you telling her she should be seen and not heard.

My old boss used to be referred to as the Momma Bear because of how she fought for her team and she always stood up for us. Well, that is what I am when it comes to Ember, and this Momma Bear isn't nice when it comes to things like that. Keep that in mind next time you want to talk poorly about my baby!

Common sense seems to be lacking these days

2009-03-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

I learned something today. I learned that common sense is extinct. It's true. I had a phone conversation with my health insurance company today that if I had not been part of, I would not have believed. I called them because I received a bill from my primary care physician with the following explanations as to why they denied my claim:

01/13/2009: denied, cannot identify patient as their insured (This was taken care of. They screwed up paperwork, and we resolved it in Feb.)

02/16/2009: denied, Anthem states other insurance is primary (I have no other insurance)

So, I called them thinking that it was just a mistake. Here is how the conversation went. (Paraphrasing slightly)

"Hello...this is so-and-so, how may I help you?"

"Well, you can tell me why my Dr's visits were not covered. I have a statement from my Dr's office stating (read above). I have been dealing with this since January and need to get it resolved"

"Well ma'am it appears that we have a letter here from August 2008 stating that you are insured with a different carrier as your primary. The letter states that from January 2006 until now you have insurance with another carrier"

"Excuse me? You are going off of a letter that was sent to you in August 2008?"

"Yes Ma'am. This letter states that you have coverage now with another carrier as your primary"

"You have GOT to be kidding me. That letter is from August 2008. It is now March 2009. That letter can't tell you I have coverage now from another insurance carrier. It can't read the future."

"I'm sorry, but this letter states you have insurance through another carrier from January 2006 until now."

"No. It says that I HAD insurance from January 2006 until August 2008. That letter can't speak for now. It was written in August of 2008"

And the conversation went on like this for another 10 minutes. She just wasn't getting that a letter written in August of 2008 could not tell her that I have insurance with someone else now! I even said to her that common sense would tell her that the letter is outdated. Her response was that "The letter says blah blah blah" GAH!!! I wanted to poke my eyes out with my pen by the time I was off the phone with her.

So, all in all, common sense did not prevail. I have to get a Certificate of Credible Coverage from my previous insurance and send it to Anthem. Then I have to wait for them to enter it into their computer before they will pay my Dr's bills. I truly feel for the next person I have to deal with at Anthem if they don't get this dealt with swiftly.

R.I.P. Common Sense. You will be missed.

Mother Nature, just so you know, I hate you.

2009-03-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

That's right, Mother Nature and her monthly gift (or in my case bi-monthly gift) can kiss off! Ugh! Last week was the week when "Aunt Flow" visited. She stayed with us for four days and nights. Such a freeloader! She didn't even offer to pay for any of the extra food she made me eat!

That's right, in typical fashion, Aunt Flow made me eat everything in sight. She is just out of control! I could care less if she never visits again! She is demanding, rude, and makes life very inconvenient when she is here. Hence, why I have been avoiding posting anything about my weight. I TOTALLY botched my diet last week thanks to my horrid house guest!

I gained my weight back. Unfortunately, when Aunt Flow is around I do nothing but eat and curl up in a little ball of pain! It's almost always been this way. The joys of having PCOS (Click here for more info) and borderline endometriosis. Mother Nature, you can kiss it for that too!

So, now I am trying to get back on the wagon. It's just SO hard! I know I have done harder things, but I LOVE food! Bad Food! And Aunt Flow makes me want even worse food! We will see what happens next week. I did end up getting to take Ember to the park Tuesday when it was nice out. I actually got to walk with her in her stroller and she enjoyed it.

One day at a time. That is all I can think about. I just have to remind myself that there has to be more good one day at a time's than bad ones.

Oh! And Mother Nature...I'll get you. You just wait and see.

Wordless Wednesday...Who is that lobster? Oh! It's me!

2009-03-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

This is the worst sunburn I have EVER had. It was so bad that I had to sleep at night with a cold towel across my chest.

Bye, I love you

2009-03-09T21:33:00.000-05:00

While on a shopping trip with the huz this weekend I heard the words "Bye, I love you" uttered and I instantly wanted to smack the person who dared utter them in my presence. Let me set the scene for you...

I am patiently waiting for the huz to try on clothes just so I can tell him "No, that shirt does not go with those shorts, but I like both. Just not together." when I hear a small child playing the next aisle over. It just so happened to be the baby section of the store. Then I hear his mom say something to the effect of "Come on, we need to go" and the child keeps playing. The next thing I hear is "I'll leave you here if you don't come with me" which, of course, the child ignored. Then, she proceeded to say "Bye, I love you" and she walked away from him! Not just one or two steps. She walked about 12 feet away!

When I saw this, I walked over to see the child. It was a little boy who was maybe 2 years old. He looked up and instantly got a panicked look in his eyes, but didn't move. The mother walked back down the aisle and rather than grabbing his hand and taking him with her, she stood there telling him how they needed to leave. Well, once mommy returned, he started to play again. She again said "Bye, I love you" and walked away from him....this time further...without looking back!

I was instantly pissed at this woman. Then, it happened three more times! I couldn't believe my eyes or my ears. How could she do that? That's not love, that's torture. Every time he realized she walked away he panicked. The store was crowded that day too. Someone could have been watching, just like I was, and easily grabbed him when she walked away from him one of those times WITH HER BACK TURNED.

Also, you don't negotiate with a 2 year old and then walk away when his answer is to ignore you. Mommyhood to a 2 year old should not be a democracy. You take his hand or pick him up and take him with you. Then, you deal with whatever happens to be the reaction to that. I may be delusional, and my mind might change about that, but right now...this is where I stand.

I understand the frustration, and embarrassment, of dealing with a screaming child in the middle of a crowded and very public place. I really do. However, walking away from your child is NOT an answer. EVER. Sorry if I have offended anyone who has done this, it's just not an option for me.

What say you?

Great Video

2009-03-06T09:02:00.000-06:00

This video was sent to me in an email and I think that it has a pretty profound statement. It says a lot of truths about our country and my generation. If we don't at least try to turn things around now, what will happen when Ember is my age? Will she make it to me age?

Wordless Wednesday....Look at that car!

2009-03-04T12:58:00.000-06:00

These are pictures of my cousin Meaghan's car after going to get 100 bottles of soda for Ember's Trivia Night benefit. Hint: It's not supposed to sit that los in the back end!

For more Wordless Wednesday posts Click Here.

How could you?

2009-03-04T12:23:00.000-06:00

I heard of this story on Monday night. It made me sick to my stomach. Now, I find out there is more. I am speaking of a story that is happening here locally where a woman had a baby last November at a home where she was visiting friends or partying or something and then tried to drown the baby in the toilet. She said, about this baby last November, that she didn't know she was preggo or giving birth! Then when police investigated her home, a location different from where she had the baby, they found the decaying body of an infant. They state that the infant has been deceased for at least a year. To read up on the latest on this story Click Here. O.k., here are my issues....(get ready for a rant!)

1) I may be wrong here, but I don't believe ANYONE who says that they didn't know they were pregnant when they are in active labor with a baby that is not smaller than 18 weeks (The time at when you could possibly feel the baby start to move). I mean COME ON! At some point you have to say to yourself, "you know what? I haven't had a period like I normally do." (Even if you spot, it's not a period) Yes, I know there are those who don't have regular periods, I was one of them, but you know...you know you do. Also, at some point, you have to say to yourself "You know, I don't think that movement is just gas"

2) I REALLY don't believe anyone who says that they didn't know they were in LABOR!

3) How can you live in a house with a decaying body? For over a year?

4) Why not give your baby away rather than harm him/her? Then, why have another? There are fixes for still getting to sleep around without the danger of pregnancy.

5) The social service system is broken. This undeniably proves it. Why don't people care enough to fix it? A system that only works 10% of the time should not be acceptable. But it is and no one cares to fix it.

UGH! This just bothers me SO much. I think mainly because of Ember. I know what I would have done in order to save her life. Now, there is this woman out there who, it seems, had one baby and either killed him/her directly or neglected him/her for so long that he/she died and then hid the body and then had another and tried to kill that baby as well. There are SO many people out there who can't have children...I was almost one of them...who would have gladly taken both of these babies off of her hands! OH! And that leads me to another rant which I will save for another day on Adoption Agencies and the sheer cost to adopt! And besides that, there are TONS of options before you even have a baby! Like protection, the morning after pill, and if it is for you, abortion. (Don't write me, not promoting, just stating facts!)

F'ing stupid bitch!

Yes, yes, potty mouth, but UGH! Things like this make me SO angry! I know plenty of people who would lay down their own life for their children. Children who are sick, and dying, and absolutely perfect in every way from the minute they were born regardless of whatever disease they have. And this woman, this person, just carelessly throws their life away. I just want to cry for these babies. They had no voice, no one to speak up for them and their feelings at their time of need. They had no one to hold them, care of them, and keep them safe from this woman's warped mind. At least the second baby is safe with relatives for the time being.

I say warped mind because something had to be wrong with her. How could she be completely sane and think that something to this magnitude was acceptable? How could anyone? And then to pleade not guilty? Even if you are insane, you are guilty and need help!

I could go on and on about this, but it would just lead to more F-bombs, so I will just leave it be.

White Castle's are my nemesis

2009-03-02T08:32:00.000-06:00

That's right, they are. Those tiny, little square burgers with onions and cheese! I can't pass them up! Which, is a serious detriment to my diet! Do you know that one tiny little burger has 13g of carbs?!!!! That's one of my three servings for lunch or dinner! That is so not enough for me! And the chicken rings, OMG! Seriously, I could just die if they ever stopped carrying them. Yes, yes, I am a fat girl, we have discussed this! But aside from that, it wasn't a great week for my diet. I do REALLY well during the day and then dinner time hits and I get hungry. And it all goes out the window. Well, and the weekends have always been horrible for me. That is when we go out to eat and well, it's hard to be good then too! I only got to workout once this week. The rest of the week was consumed by running errands or house work. Though, I do think that the day I cleaned the kitchen should be considered a workout day too. I was freaking sweating by the time I was done!

I am excited that I got to go pick up my new bike this weekend though! Now it just needs to get warm enough to be able to ride it. I can't wait! So, the grand result of this week is 1.4 pounds down! :) I'm excited and I hope that I can keep it up! As for now, I am off to rustle up a snack and hop in the shower while maw maw occupies the little one.

Wordless Wednesday.....Watching Jack's Big Music Show

2009-02-25T08:05:00.000-06:00

Go here to check out other Wordless Wednesday posts: Wordless Wednesday links

I have a confession....

2009-02-23T20:28:00.000-06:00

Not really a confession I guess...just something that I want to get off of my chest. I figure that if I say it out loud, I might actually do something about it. It's also one of the things that I hate about myself......... The picture below explains it all. (I am the one on the right) My weight. It has gotten very much so out of control. As of right now, today, this very moment...well, enough time to walk from the bathroom to the computer anyway, I weigh...(I can't believe I am actually going to type this out loud!)......277.8 pounds GAH!!!!!!!!!! There! I said it! *hyperventilating* It's out there. No taking it back. Even if I hit the delete button right now it would still be there. Staring at me like some huge ass spider just ready to pounce on me without warning!

Anyway, yes....I am FAT! 100% and I know it. I have known it for quite some time. Trust me, it's not just because I had a baby. I was fat before that. In fact, after I Ember, I weighed 245. I was ecstatic about it. Imagine that, happy and overjoyed about weighing 245 pounds. *sigh*

This is me in high school. (That's the huz with me! hehe) I weighed all of 145 pounds. I thought I was fat then. Ugh! Gag me with a spoon. Society is a cruel thing to girls who are not the perfect size zero. Anyway, I know that I cannot EVER get back to this, but it would be nice to get under 200 pounds...or well at least in sight of it. I have tried SO many different things before with no success or very short lived success. Before I got pregnant I even considered having lap banding done. I was SO upset when I found out how very expensive it was and that we would never be able to afford it in a million years!

So, here I go again. I am going to try to start eating right again. I am going to start eating like I had to when I was pregnant. It was actually a very healthy option and it is now a great way to lose weight for me. I had gestational diabetes so I had to really watch my carb intake. It's just so much harder now that I am not preggo. It was easier then because I knew that what I put in my mouth directly effected Ember. I knew that if my sugar got too out of control that hers would plummet once I was born. I knew that I could potentially harm her if I didn't stay under control. Now, she's here and what I eat doesn't hurt her directly. Indirectly it could eventually yes, but now...not so much. I am going to start doing my DDR when I can and once the weather starts getting nicer, I am going to ride my new bike and skate. Then when I can get back into Derby, it's on. That will help a lot too. At least three workouts a week with them.

So, here is what I am going to do. I am going to try to post at least once a week, I can't guarantee the same day each week, about my weight loss or gain. Maybe that way I will stay on track. Any words of encouragement you have would be greatly appreciated. So....now that I feel bad for actually putting down on paper how gross I am, I am going to go hide under the comforter.